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Norwegian Would (you believe it we won!)
The Story Of Norway

This tour had its beginnings with Fried Egg’s proclamation from his far off new home in Majorca of “Let’s go back to Oslo it was knob oot!” Nobody took him up on his offer as they felt it was too dear the last time at £7.50 a pint. He hastily invested his savings in San Miguel and his portfolio was soon worth nothing as there is no deposit on empty bottles of Sandy McGill’s. Still if it was good enough for George Best then Fried Egg’s liver deserved equal punishment.

A matter of a couple of months before the game there was a trickle of TSTA footsoldiers booking up on the basis that Fried Egg was skint, couldn’t go and their foreign beer supplies would therefore be safe. Pauline Fowler and the rest of the “Caught In The Act Band” (CD Priced £1.99 in all shite record stores and by royal appointment as the band at the TSTA Annual Dance) suddenly booked. They were closely followed by Garry Murray and a few pals. Next Caz decided she was going and soon The Chieftain, Ski-in’ Don’t and Vice Captain booked up. Their route was Ryanair to Oslo Torp at the usual bargain prices.

They ribbed a few others and with barely a matter of weeks to go, Credit Card, The Captain and The Janny had booked up too but were returning via Gothenburg as the flights from Oslo home were too dear.

A week before they set off The Captain and Vice Captain’s young nephew Christopher, a goalie (who has played for his country) was over on holiday from New Zealand, and got roped into going too. His nickname was fairly obvious - Haka The Noo.

The train journey started OK, well only after Haka The Noo was dragged away from some playful sheep who were close to the railway station. Us Northern hemisphere folks see a penny pick it up, Southern hemisphere punters see a sheep and fancy a……ruck (it’s a rugby nation is it not).

The time was 7 a.m. matchday and the train was full of office workers making their way to Glasgow moaning because First Bus were on strike. The Chieftain opened his first can of pear cider just as the train was pulling way. Haka the Noo looked on in utter disgust and asked how anyone could drink at that time in the morning “It just isn’t right”. A bit wet behind the ears that lad. He was soon put in his place by the wise, seasoned, pish artist that is Pedro The Chieftain who asked him “What time is it back home son?” He said “Oh about six at night”. Sensing where The Chieftain was going with this the others bellowed out across the carriage in unison “So what’s the problem son?!” Pedro handed Haka the Noo a can of pear cider with a firm order of “Get that doon yer neck son, they’ll be none o that Starbucks, Costa Coffee kind of stuff while I am still The TSTA Chieftain”. The Janny gave Haka the Noo a knowing look and a thumbs up.

The flight was pretty painless but the bus journey from Torp into town was a bit of a nightmare.

The TSTA were spread over 2 hotels The Permilien and The Rainbow Munch. A few pre-match beers were had in The Bohemen but time was tight and soon everyone boarded The Underground. Getting into the Ulleval stadium was a nightmare as usual, total chaos.

First half it’s raining as usual, it’s cold as usual, Pauline is blitzed as usual but Kenny Miller runs into the box at the far end – unusual. More unusual than that he connects with a pass and steers the ball into the empty net. Bedlam! After the Bedlam died down to merely delirium he did it again. Everyone there had their mobiles out within seconds to text stay-at-home Gnasher who has now been to 9 away games and hasn’t seen a goal and missed out on this game.

The team hung on in there and even a late Norwegian goal couldn’t stop Scotland recording their best competitive away result and performance in a long while. It was off to town to celebrate and celebrate they did.

A bar called Hamlet was found near the train station with a proud notice outside of “Happy Hour”. £4.50 a pint normally would have been frown hour but given the result even the most miserly of Aberdonians were parting with a fiver and saying keep the change. Just as the broad smiles were returning to just cheesy grins the place erupted on the news that David Healy scored for Northern Ireland against England. The Aberdonian said to the barman “Hey gie me back the fifty pence as I’ve only got four quid left!” The barman said “No you bought me a pint last time so how about I keep the fifty pence and you get a pint instead?” Happiness is a bar called Hamlet!

On heading back to their hotels they passed the kebab van where in 2003 Gazza befriended the Eastern European who worked there. Credit Card recognised him and shouted “Hey our friend from Bosnia” to be greeted with a friendly “Hey futt off ah’m a Kosovan!

Over in The Permilien during the night Vice Captian awoke to the sound of a terrible thud. In truth he is going a wee bit deaf it was really a terrible fud as a fully monged but asleep Ski-ing Don’t did a triple salko, pike-tucked dive from the top bunk landing teeth first on the laminate flooring. “Oh that’s gonna hurt in the morning munching floor boards lad.” - said Vicey.

Back in the Rainbow Munch Hotel, in the morning the Swedish bound contingent made for the bus station where they met up with a few other Tartan Army footsoliders, most notably Jim Fae Kirkcaldy who was actually sober. As they boarded their bus the driver went outside to close the luggage door and a tramp jumped on the bus unbeknown to the driver. The TA didn’t tell on him even though he was Abraham Lincoln but he sat far enough way for the smell not to permeate above the level of The Janny’s socks anyway. At a stop halfway to Gothenburg the tramp jumped off fair pleased with himself skipping away into the distance then tried to catch the bus again as he had left his equivalent of The Daily Record on board, ah Olaf Nesbitt we salute you!

They stayed at The Spar Hotel in Gothenburg which was a nice place except finding it was like finding a day in fair fortnight where Big Stuff is sober.

The troops headed out to town for The Dubliner but at £4.00 odd a pint they looked for somewhere else. Four pints came in at under £8, they had cracked it! After their second pints they spotted two hairy bikers at the bar embracing and then the TSTA lads turned around and saw a few more. Credit Card turned to The Captain and said “Well we’ve got two choices, keep drinking here, it’s under £2 a pint, got to the bogs in twos for safety and learn the words of YMCA, or we go run for The Dubliner. As Credit Card did the calculations in his head The Janny, Haka The Noo and The Captain were already strutting around like lager-crazed Dale Wintons with arms aloft and clapped together singing “Young man there’s a place you can go…..”

Back in Oslo Pauline Fowler and band had all their band gear with them and asked a pub manager if they could set up and he said yes. Caught In the Act can now say the performed live in Oslo and they went down a treat. Vice Captain said they had a night to remember.

On waking up in Gothenburg Credit Card asked The Janny “Can you mind getting hame last night?” to which The Janny’s reply was “Ah was hoping you could have told me!”

The same had happened over in Oslo another TSTA tour and another skinful of bevvy but just for once we won. Roll on Slovenia.