Mainz A Beer
The Story Of Germany With The Future Team


The planned trip started with Credit Card and The Vice Captain playing about with the Internet. Eventually, Credit Card got Vicey off the porn sites and word of their £40 flights to Frankfurt spread. Soon the TSTA had 10 on the Ryanair flight. Not bad for a “B” game, the others who went were:

(Mary Doll doesn’t do cold so she stayed at home although she did expect a good Xmas pressie from Credit Card). Mike Baldwin borrowed his Mrs’ tea-cosy as a hat to keep warm.
At 6:27 a.m. it was off to Prestwick they went from Livi South. At 6:28 If Dot Con’s Guiness cans were officially open. At 6:29 Dress Sense and Love Street Gazza were asleep following respective trips to see Sunderland v Liverpool and a party chasing wild girls in Manchester.
Fried Egg and The Fugitive were fined at Central Station when the 2 under 21 Belgian internationalist goers ordered tea, yes tea, at the bar! At Central Station they were all given free Boost Bars from some promotional girl. They all ate them except Vice Captain who went out for some sellotape and it, the Boost bar and his hands were up under his kilt for quite some time. That Boost bar took old VC up to about 5 inches.
They were on the train to Prestwick when Vice Captain (appropriately) spotted some ginger burd who was counting a wheen of various coloured notes sitting next to Fried Egg. On questioning Fried Egg on where he thought she got the dosh, he cleverly replied “Dae Wan” but we reckon it was either a lot more than one, or perhaps there was even a letter missing.
Vice Captain was in fine form as he tried his best to chat up a burd with a spiral perm from Barassie who was a travel agent at Prestwick Airport. A primal scream came from that lassie when he popped his head into the travel agent’s door at the airport. Luckily, it was the head on his shoulders, which makes a change for Vicey.
Next, Dress Sense asked Credit Card for a £5 note for his breakfast, followed by £20 for a round. Just a normal tour really.
At the departure lounge they discovered they took the bar, not the TSTA but the Prestwick Airport authorities. They decided to do up the bar and leave them with a wee wifie in a hut who sold them an exciting choice of 2 bottled beers, or nips at the usual rip off prices.
They met up other TA troops such as Ludo who has the most amazing tartan West Highland Terrier hat with a daffodil on it, (needs to be seen to be believed) and Ali Bev who had organised a bus at the other end, plus a lad from the Armadale Wallace bunch.
They also met a lad who lost a few of his teeth and his marbles as he said he still hadn’t phoned in sick yet! Trying hard to get the gumption up to call his work, he headed for the loo at the same time as Credit Card. Whilst in the loo, the said “sick” person went into a cubicle and groaned “Can I speak to my boss, Mr X (name protected under TA rules)”. When on the phone, the tannoy comes on “Ping-pong the flight due to…etc!” Oops!
The flight was on time and they arrived in Germany and they were frog marched to passport control. Vice Captain was ordered to put out his cigarette, or be escorted to the Russian Front by the security guard. Vicey said “Magic, - Glad I’m getting this Russian Front, I hope she’s got a braw erse tae”.
You want to see Zowie Howie’s passport photo by the way. It’s like the bad guy in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, only Zowie is even uglier.
Ali had organised a bus from Frankfurt Hahn to Mainz and did well at 15 Euros a skull with the profits to charidee, so everyone was happy. They got off the bus knowing they had 200 yards to walk, yet in true TSTA Mark Thatcher style map reading, it took them ages duer to a mile and a half detour. They arrived at the Mainz Dorint Hotel. For £25 quid a night it was a cracker, swimming pool, sauna and a free 3 minutes of porn per day to keep The Fugitive’s red crescent mark on his chin visible.
A quick pint at the bar and it was off to Mainz town centre.
Scran was top of the agenda and they all split up in an effort to find the best grub. The Fugitive, Fried Egg, Credit Card and Vice Captain won with their 14 Euros eat all you can Chinese which they scoffed big time. Fried Egg’s description of his food was “Knob Out” which apparently is top notch. The losers were Love St Gazza and Dress Sense who claimed their Burger Kings’ were better.
On arriving at the first bar they put our heads in. This kind of pub is best described by looking at the 2 gents in the corner who were attempting to do the same thing. Yeuchh! As they sat there with tongues down each other’s throat Fried Egg gave the cry of “Haw you ya…” and it was time to go. They found another pub, nice from the outside but again it was full of Scooter Boys who lovingly stared into each other’s eyes top and bottom.
Even at pub number six they faced the same problem as they entered the pub through velvet curtains. Finally they found a normal pub. Well not quite, it was as expensive as, by the way. Credit Card got stung for the round in this one in the basement of the Mainz museum but it was worth it just to witness The Fugitive’s major knock-back when he asked the waitress for a photo with him.
They gave up and headed back towards the hotel but at least they went via the German Xmas Market for a bit of culture. It was shut of course but just around the corner was a Sex Shop. Yes you guessed it the lads couldn’t resist a look could they? They got thrown out for laughing. Vice Captain did however buy a pair of love balls which when quizzed on what was in the bag, he said “Bawbags”. His new TSTA nickname may well be The Squirrel. Also there was a plastic arm and clenched fist on display which was the cause of the hilarity. Love Street Gazza asked “What the heck is that for?” to which The Fugitive replied “Mind those lads in they funny pubs earlier? Ever see what Archie Gemmill did with his arm when he scored that goal? Well think how sore that would be!” Gazza replied “That would make your eyes water”, to which Fried Egg chipped in with “Dry yer eyes”.
They then found a very good Irish Bar. Sadly, the owner could see how well the lads had skelped the bevvy and insisted that rounds could only be purchased in trebles format. Nobody argued. Nobody cared. Nobody could see! Everybody’s wallets were lighter. Vicey’s more so as he got stung with the dearest round.
English George went a wee bit OTT as regards his kilt position and was reprimanded in the morning. Otherwise: only major singing offences were committed.
After leaving the pub and after laughing like loonies about their evening adventure the lads headed back to The Dorint taking a few festive photos on the way.
Not surprisingly they got totally monged in the hotel bar and headed for their beds about 1:30 a.m. having been up since 5:45 a.m. Not a bad innings at all.
Everyone made breakfast, well that’s not quite true the chefs did. Only Love Street Gazza and Dress Sense failed to make an appearance, so perhaps their Burger King was indeed, “Knob Out”.
The Breakfast choice was extensive but predictably the fresh orange juice got severely hammered first in huge quantities. Then it was off to the health spa and a quick dip in the pool. Superb. What hangovers? Now it was time for a wee shot in the steam room. They saw an old guy starkers outside the steam room who told them they needed to take their trunks off before going into the steam room. He had just left it empty, so they did. This was the one time where they were all getting steaming and making sure they all did have brewers droop because it was only them in the steam room.
They then ran into the sauna and then they froze (the use of this word in this context is definitely startled rather than stiff) as they encountered a few old wifies in the buff. Credit Card didn’t have a towel so he politely made his excuses and ran off to the pool and later had wrinkly nightmares. The others “sweated it out” and got their wishes when some younger ladies appeared. Most of the lads got back to the pool though as it got too hot to handle as it were within a few minutes. They said that they found the whole thing rather embarrassing – except Vice Captain who claimed he couldn’t find his contact lens and reappeared a couple of hours later.
They arranged to meet at the bar at 12:30. Credit Card and Vice Captain were there first and kicked off with a drink of water each. The barman was astounded but he accepted the “Well you have to be sensible sometimes” excuse. Sadly when the others arrived they didn’t quite see it that way. Diddies.
Before setting off they met up with the Emirate Airlines and American Airlines aircrews who were staying at their hotel. As the Emirates hostesses ran as quickly as they could for their bus on seeing them all, Dress Sense gave chase for a photo and succeeded. The American Airlines crew though stayed for a blether and a laugh though. The pilot swapped hats with The Fugitive who is always looking for a good disguise as he goes about his day-to-day business in Englandshire.
Vice Captain swapped hats with a hostess called McIntyre who was delighted to try on Love St Gazza’s scarf (it was her tartan) and have her photo taken. She was a bit crazy and even invited us all to dinner at 6:00 but she obviously knew they would be at the game. These Chicago based hostesses know their fitba’ and Vicey knows her phone number!
If Dot Con, English George and Zowie Howie had the flag flying outside the hotel beside the huge Santa Claus that was climbing the wall. Fried Egg shouted them down as it was time for their march to the game.
First off, it was some more culture as the troops had a round of Gluweins, which is a sort of mulled warm wine which Mike Baldwin politely described as “Boggin’ Man”. Vice Captain was stung again and this time paid for drink and the cups too. On finding the cups were on deposit and there was dosh back on them he somehow managed to find an extra one to hand back!
Mike Baldwin got tore into a slice of pizza placed on an ice cream wafer. Different but he said it was top notch.
Time for the usual TSTA tour purchases by visiting the tobacconists and stocking up with cheapo ciggies, which help offset the cost of any trip. That done it was beer time.
They hit a bar called Schillerklause where the owner was called Ulli. Her first words were “Get as drunk as you all want, make as much noise as you all want; and if you want; fire your flag outside the top window”. It didn’t take long for the TSTA to warm to her charms especially as she announced the beer was only 1 Euro 20. On her asking Vice Captain what The Fugitive had on under his kilt the answer of “A penis, only smaller”, seemed to be understood easily and Fugie hey the truth hurts big, sorry wee time, wee man.
Vice Captain checked his wallet and panicked asking Ulli if a loan of 20 Euros was OK, to which she replied “Hey big boy here’s 25 cents phone someone who cares!”
Credit Card went to the loo and was followed by some German bloke who had earlier tried to pass his phone number to Dress Sense. When there, the German said “I want to buy you a drink and I love you!” Credit Card kept his cool, - nearly, then delivered a few extreme sweary words and made back to the bar. He asked the barmaid to write down in German “GTF ya wee German dobber in 2 minutes flat or I’ll sparkle ye” and Credit Card placed it on the bloke’s pint. After about 20 minutes he came out of the loo saw his pint and did a runner. Result!
Ulli said “The bloke didn’t play with a full deck” and Vicey said “ He must only knit with one needle!!” So his escape route was kept clear.
Ulli gave them all a welcome drink of a Czech liqueur called Karlovarska Becherovka, which the TSTA downed in one with a few grimaces. If Dot Con’s and Zowie Howie’s faces were a particular picture!
Rod Fraser, who nobody knew, came into the boozer, Scotland top on and asked to join them and announced he had travelled all the way from Azerbaijan having driven the last leg of 400 k.m. On hearing this, the TSTA were impressed and sang “Azerbaijan Tartan Army!” They asked where the rest of the ATA were but Rod said “Ya diddies it’s only me!”
As their flag was outside, they soon attracted more TA footsoldiers in search of cheap bevvy and Big Dave J, Sacks, Ali Bev and Big Colin McDonald appeared with about 50 others. Ulli offered to make them all chilli and goulash and it was superb! They promised a mention on the TSTA website as a result.
They had a whip round for the grub and left it behind the bar. It came to a good old sum. Meanwhile, English George got them all to sign a flag to leave in the pub as a souvenir to go along with The Fugitive’s Glengarry, which Fried Egg had passed to Ulli, saying “It’s too wee for the bawbag anyway”.
There was a lot of singing and a lot of dancing, in and outside the pub, before they all left for the number 65 bus to the stadium.
Once there they got their spot on the terracing. Brilliant! Terracing is a thing of the past but it felt so good for them to be able to wander around. Fried Egg went for more beers but they had it all sussed out, except him, that it was non-alcoholic!
One down, then one-one, was not a bad start. Two one down and instantly 2-2 was superb! Credit Card got a phone call from The Captain at TSTA HQ to move the TSTA flag 5 feet or so, in order that they could see them better on the telly back home on German channel DSF!
Soon the Germans started to struggle and with only 10 minutes left Scotland went 3-2 up. We went mental! Sadly the Germans scored again in the last minute with a fabulous free kick and that was that but what a great result.
They left the stadium very happy indeed. They walked back to town down a very wide, long and straight, road. On one side of the road were around 100 TA footsoldiers and on their side another 50. Behind both sets of footsoldiers, were about six polizei vehicles driving very slowly. The banter across the road was superb with Ludo and his mates on one side and the TSTA and others on the other side. Each “side” was slagging off the other. Eventually someone (who obviously had a wicked sense of humour) shouted “Charge!! Mayhem ensued as the 100 from one side of the road and the 50 from the other ran towards each other full pelters shouting and screaming “Freeeeedoooom!”
The polizei turned their sirens on and blue lights flashed as they sped toward the fans at full speed. The fans ran quickly towards one another at either side of the road and once they met in the middle it was…..handshakes all round! Ever seen Braveheart when the Irish meet the Scots? Well that’s what it was like only funnier!
Most of the polizei were creasing themselves, proving that at least some Germans have as good sense of humour as us Scots. The polizei really did think trouble was about to occur at first though. It hurt the TA that they could think that of the best fans in the world and on reaching the next flyover the TA did a “Sit down if you hate England”. Again, a minority of the polizei were confused and this was then topped off when one wag got them all to go back the way we came which eventually did get all the polizei to get the point and finally understand they were having a laugh!!!
Ulli promised to keep her bar open but the TSTA veterans knew differently. That bar had taken about a month’s takings in one day so why should she bother? Instead, they headed back to the bar at The Dorint. Sadly a couple of younger TSTA tried The Schillerklause but discovered the old hands were right.
They downed the beers at a rapid pace because they had to be up again at 6:00 a.m. On getting up all the TSTA skelped a very excellent breakfast and then headed home.
On the bus to the airport If Dot Con managed a tour spew. Full training will be given to avoid a repeat the next time. Roll on Lithuania!!!
 

Another Classic from a future Best Seller
by Stevie "CreditCard" Morris
© copyright stevie morris 2002