Tap Shop Tartan Army - Stevies Diary Ahrnem

Here for your bacon, we’re only here for your bacon
The Story Of Copenhagen

Eleven of the TSTA decided to book up for this friendly. Firstly, Vice Captain and Mini Baird chose to fly out a day earlier than most, on the Monday so as to avoid the riff-raff, (well The Boy Wonder to be precise). They drove to Newcastle and then slummed it with Easy Jet direct to Copenhagen.

On the Tuesday The Boy Wonder, Marshall Mallow, Sliver and Twinkletoes all went out on the same route. They travelled to Englandshire under the cover of darkness to avoid detection. Marshall Mallow, thanks to his extra curricular tour activities took some Dettol on the other hand, (in fact on both hands) to avoid infection!

Credit Card and Mary Doll chose to go to Stansted with their alleged Ryanair season ticket on the Monday night. Also arriving at Stansted from his new home in Majorca was Fried Egg, it’s just a pity his dressing room table didn’t arrive too because that’s where the diddy left his kilt! At Stansted they would meet up with The Fugitive and Caz who live nearby and they were all going to fly out to Malmo in the morning. Where’s the adventure in flying straight there when you can fly to a different country and get a train across 10 miles of water. Fried Egg has never been one to keep it simple when he does anything. In fact, when he goes to the toilet for a pee he paces around in circles outside the bog door until he needs a number 2 too and thus avoids a second trip!

They were going to stay with The Fugitive’s brother Kenny who is also a fugitive Scot. He lives in a secret location (Let’s call it Royston…oops sorry Kenny). Poor Kenny wasn’t going to Denmark but his daughter Caz was. She was looking forward to the trip and kept reminding him about the fact that he had to go to his work in the morning. (Caz now sells the Big Issue in Royston High Street).

Obviously Fried Egg’s move to Majorca was playing havoc with his liver as he refused a can of beer from Kenny before bed-time. During the night Credit Card woke up and looked out of the bedroom window He was pleased to see Kenny stayed so close to the airport. The huge blue runway lights could be seen blasting in his eyes. It wasn’t the runway lights at all it was six high powered garden torches Kenny directed on his fridge to make sure Fried Egg didn’t get up during the night for a snack.

Meanwhile over in Copenhagen, The Vice Captain arrived late at night with Mini Baird and they were despondent to find out there were no others from the Tartan Army on their flight. Mini Baird went to sleep while Vice Captain flexed his fingers over a Horlicks Shandy nightcap and a copy of Sheep Only.

The Stansted 5 made it to the airport in the morning and met up with Tony who had a pre-tour cup of tea with the TSTA mob. Now Tony was a Dagenham and Redbridge fan and he invited them to visit his website which is daggers-away.com. That sounded a bit like a command in a Dundee pub as far as The Fugitive was concerned.

Over in Copenhagen, Vice Captain was still counting sheep as the Horlicks had not worked on account of him using Red Bull instead of lemonade when making his shandy. Still, he wasn’t too unhappy because he said sheep number 1,014 had a braw pair of gazongas!

The Stansted 5 finally made it to Malmo and called Vice Captain. Just before his phone rang Vicey was heard to call out in his sleep “1,011, 1012, 1013…bastard!”

The Standsted 5 were staying at the Ibis Crown whereas Vice Captain and the others who were to arrive later that night, were booked into the Ibis Star. There ensued a telephone conversation between Credit Card and Vice Captain over which hotel would have claim to the TSTA’s “first pub on the right mantle”. In the end there was only one clear winner Vodaphone whose tarrifs mean’t that their call, just like Fried Egg’s first pint in 10 seconds, was terminated.

Credit Card won anyway due the fact that Vice Captain couldn’t be arsed and the first pub on the right was deemed as that next to The Ibis Crown. Vicey conceded after finding out the barman had a sheep pen…..it was one of those that when you turn it upside down the black wool falls off!

Following a stiff liver bashing it was time for something to eat so it was next door to The Bamboo Garden Chinese Restaurant. Although Copenhagen is a fairly expensive city the meal wasn’t too dear and Fried Egg got his usual knob oot portion of bones.

Battlebus Commander, his Mrs and Dianne Furradrink also stumbled upon the same restaurant just as the TSTA were leaving and Mini Baird said she must have been blootered because she could have swore that Battlebus looked sober! Fried Egg on the other hand most definitely was not and at the later than usual time of 7 p.m. he was fully monged and off to his baa-baas for the night. What a walloping big girl’s blouse the yawning man of Majorca is.

The late Newcastle 4 were now on their way and The Boy Wonder had by now the customary 4 warnings from the flight crew for his behaviour. Like a constipated Labrador with piles he just would not sit down.

Back in Copenhagen the TSTA crew had finally tracked down the bar where all the rest of the Tartan Army seemed to be, The Dubliner. It was packed out to the gunnels and a few well kent faces were soon spotted most notably the ever-pissed Taffy from the Highland Tartan Army who meandered around the pub like the Snake II game you get on a Nokia phone, only in the game you don’t knock over pints on the way. Gary Murray and his pal who travelled with the TSTA to Amsterdam were also there and well on their way to getting blootered. They certainly out-paced and out-classed their Hibby mate Fried Egg who was by now fast a Bo-Peep in his hotel room.

The Newcastle 4 finally arrived and were soon bouncing around The Dubliner but the trouble was it was so full that they really only bounced into and off one another. Vice Captain made the call to find another boozer after Twinkletoes had bounced him off the wall once too often. What a boozer he found. It was called Sam’s Famous Karaoke Bar and had a spotlight stage, a video recording of the singers and a stand-up mike. Those of you who don’t know the TSTA need to know this, without exception, (well nearly) they can all chant and their liking of the Austrian national team and loathing of the Germans is probably down to the fact that they are most probably descendants of the Von Trapps.

Credit Card gave a rousing virgin rendition of “Alive and Kicking” and Twinkletoes blasted out one of his finest versions ever of “Going Underground” to which the place was rocking. The drink was flowing and The Fugitive had his arms around an enormous teddy bear that seemed to appear from nowhere. Vice Captain had his arms around a pillar to hold him up and Sliver had his arms around Marshall Mallow’s pint when he wasn’t looking. Marshall was trying like a bear to get his arms around a black girl who had just left the stage and whose song was so good he called her Maria.

The TSTA did quite a few group numbers and to be honest they had the whole place bouncing thanks to some other Tartan Army folks appearing on the scene who were also no strangers to a vocal chord. The atmosphere was superb.

Finally, it was time for the Danish national anthem, which is best described as every worst entry for the Eurovision Song Contest joined together by Fatboy Slim on dope. After the Danes in the bar sang this Marshall Mallow did his best to chat up as many of the Danish women as he could but Sliver must have borrowed Credit Card’s Glade Lavender as he seemed to have no problem at all at being popular with the ladies. (Credit Card packed his case at night and mistook air freshener for his anti-persperant, to be Sure!)

It was time for bed except for the Newcastle 4 of the TSTA who partied into the wee small hours along with Caz who was allowed out with them basically because she was not for moving from her seat. Uncle Fugitive told the boys to look after her and make sure that she got back to the hotel at the end of the night.

They are good lads really and true to their word they took her back to the Ibis after their Snickers drinking session (used to be a marathon but hey this is the 21st Century). Sadly they took her to the Ibis Triton a completely different fukcing hotel the twats but as it was only 50 yards from the Ibis Crown (and they were too wrecked to notice) it was a fair effort from them all the same.

Morning had broken and The Fugitive did the same with some wind much to the annoyance of a now very much awake Fried Egg. The TSTA decided on a bit of culture and booked on the sightseeing bus tour of Copenhagen. It was 120 zonks and seemed reasonable value plus as it headed for the Little Mermaid, Twinkletoes was happy. He said he had seen the film and always wanted to know if she looked as good “live”. He is a twat.

The bus passed all through the town past statues of Hans Christian Andersen and such like then on to Copenhagen’s Red Light District. The Boy Wonder pressed the ding-ding on the bus and wanted to return the “present” he had bought to take home to a girl he knows back at TSTA HQ as he reckoned it was too small and the batteries needed wouldn’t even power the Hampden floodlights!

The bus also passed a bar called the Spunk Bar and sadly for some kilted lad the TSTA got your photo you bad, bad boy!

As the bus turned the corner after the palace there was a huge whooping noise as Twinkletoes was seen to be furiously window licking with hands either side of his head pressed against the window as he bounced up and down with glee. On the right hand side was a hotel with a terrace and atop the terrace was a glistening naked women on a sunbed surrounded by a film crew. Yes the TSTA had stumbled on the filming of a porno flick! After Oslo’s nudist beach, this comes a close second, and it was a close run thing between Twinkletoes and Sliver who made their seats shake on the top deck.

On arrival at the Little Mermaid a few photos were taken and the TSTA left Twinkletoes alone with her for a few minutes as the stood at the roadside to admire the big man’s chat –up lines. Marshall Mallow said he heard him whisper something to her like “Let’s get hot bitch and lose the tail”. Either way the Little Mermaid remained rooted to the spot and Twinkletoes headed for the Hot Dog stand for three of their best to help get over her. The big man was heartbroken - that was until he discovered the beer Fried Egg was drinking was in fact non-alcoholic the diddy! He gave him pelters.

Mary Doll, Credit Card, Vice Captain and Mini Baird decided on more culture and headed for Tivoli Gardens, whilst the others too had culture on their minds and headed for Tivoli Gardens as well but stopped at Rosie McGhee’s pub on the way instead.

Outside Tivoli Gardens is a shop called “Build-a-Bear” where Mary Doll wasted 45 minutes valuable drinking time getting a Scotland Bear built for her complete with soundbox that says “Come on Scotland..gerrintaethum!”

Choosing a name was easy. Outside the shop was Christian Dailly talking to Jim Leighton. Bandy isn’t really a good name for a bear and as they were in Hans “Christian” Andersen land then the bear was christened Christian. Meanwhile Credit Card’s trusty plastic got stung for 406 zonks, or close on forty quid for a teddy bear, which is now insured by Lloyds of London!

They headed off with Christian to celebrate his birth at the Danish equivalent of Pizza Hut. Credit Card’s face was trippin’ him having just shelled out enough zonks to buy a case of pear cider on a flippin’ teddy bear. Credit Card’s frown suddenly turned into a smile. He marched back to the shop and asked if he could buy a soundbox for Hamish his trusty Beaver sporran. Eventually the shop agreed and he recorded Mr Dailly’s infamous rant after the Germany game. He connected the soundbox to Hamish’s paw and hey presto what forty quid?

Meanwhile at Rosie McGhee’s the others were well monged but The Boy Wonder would be more accurately described as trolleyed. He was pestering the bar staff (surprise, surprise doing what he does best). Outside Fried Egg was crying at the sign “Scotland fans two for one beers – as long as you are wearing a kilt!”

Back to the others again, who headed for the ISO supermarket before going back to the hotel to get changed. A supply of real Pear Cider for the pre-match scwhally in the square was bought plus a couple of bottles of an unknown brand. Back at the hotel rooms the unknown brand was found to be just 0.7% proof. At the hotel foyer Vice Captain spotted the Battlebus Commander drinking this inferior brand and pontificated that he was indeed just a big girlie soup drinking bawbag and said “Did you know it is only 0.7% proof?” The Battlebus Commander paused for a swig then replied “Oh aye but no wi’ fcukin’ voddie in it it’s no!”

The TSTA all gathered at Rosie McGhee’s and The Boy Wonder seemed to have fallen in love with the barmaid. OK she looked very pretty from a distance but it was not possible to entirely rule out an Adam’s apple or a moustache for that matter!

From there it was to the square with carry out at the ready. In the centre of the square was a Danish film crew who had set out a treadmill for their “shoes-and-socks-off” reporter (probably to give the illusion of the reporter walking around the square). Unbeknown to the rest of the TSTA the increasingly monged and pain-in-the-arsed Boy Wonder decided it might be a good idea to jump on the treadmill whilst the reporter was in full flow. So he did! The reporter went arse over tit in a Southerly direction whilst The Boy Wonder’s body went spinning towards the North Pole. Both ended up in a heap on the ground. The reporter was seething and made a bee-line for The Boy Wonder. The TSTA looked on in disbelief as The Boy Wonder calmly dug deep into his sporran, produced his hipflask and asked the reporter if he fancied a dram.

Following a calming down exercise, the TSTA then headed off to The Dubliner where Diddley Dee, The Claw and Lee from EASTA were drinking away in the late afternoon sun. Eventually the carrier bags were empty and it was then time to head off for The Parken Stadium by taxi. Outside the ground John and Jackie from Kirkcaldy were laughing at the state of Fried Egg who had trouble putting more than two words together.

The stadium looked pretty good until the toilets were visited. What a stench, best described as a ton of peed-on pampers fanned by a jet engine! Yuck! A few nostril hairs were burned clean away.

It wasn’t a bad game at all and although Scotland lost 1-0 at least they made a bit of a game of it. Fried Egg was blitzed and made straight for his bed whilst the others headed back to Rosie McGhee’s. (Next trip the TSTA intend taking a babysitter for Fried Egg- what a soup drinker).

On the way one of the Tartan Army lads mistook a road for a pavement and was hit by a passing car. He simply dusted himself down and got up to carry on walking, albeit a little gingerly. He must have been sore the next day. Caz was - because she turned round too quickly when she heard the lad’s yell that she went over on her ankle!

On arrival at Rosie’s The Boy Wonder resorted to his less than successful, (no let’s be honest, crap), chatting-up techniques. He got more knockbacks than Mr Muscle in a houseful of wifies who had been fully serviced five times that day by Mr Sheen, if you know what I mean (Must stop sniffing Vim).

If love was in despair for The Boy Wonder then love was in the air for some of the others. Caz was having more success with her Danish kickboxer lad and said he could “Thai her up anytime”. A crowd of stunning Norwegian girls pestered Marsall Mallow and Sliver but they were too pished to even notice. Twinkletoes was getting on like a house on fire with the lovely Natasha but had trouble saying her name and settled for the following versions “Natatashay, Natshasha, Natalisha, aw fcuk it you’ve goat braw breests hen!”

Finally it was time for bed for some whilst the younger generation continued to party. A Hot-Dog on the way was required. Hot-Dogs in Copenhagen are tremendous by the way and there is a fine array of sauces etc to add to them, OK at less than £2 they were cheap too when you are Hank Marvin. At the Seven Eleven Mary Doll put best foot forward through the door. Sadly it wasn’t open at the time and she gave her leg a sore one much to the delight of the others there.

It was 1 a.m. and another tour was over and with no TSTAers heading for Estonia the next trip tale will have to come from Moldova. Transnistrian pear cider is apparently the cheapest in the world!