Tap Shop Tartan Army - Stevies Diary Ahrnem

We’re not going to be big in Japan
The Story Of Brussels

They had their record number of footsoldiers and footsoldieresses – 49 of them ready willing and able to invade Europe. They set off on the Monday following their usual Karaoke farewell party at The Tap Shop. Before they left we had 2 presentations made in the Bar by Credit Card:

The Boy Wonder
He received a bookie’s slip for £5 on William Hills that he would not annoy anyone on the trip at odds of 1,000/1. (It’s worth noting that two miles down the road he spilt some of his drink on Gnasher!).
Big Stuff
He got a zimmer with a bell and horn to keep him on his feet. He said, as the bell was a real ding-a-ling and not a bottle of the stuff that he would appeal!

Big hand for De Management who arranged for a wheen of Millers and Bud for the bus; pity Big Tam was one of the Millers (that’s his second name in case you can’t work it out due to you reading this on some beach in Barabados through a haze of Pina coladas!) The bus journey was uneventful until The Web Master had a small barf. A bottle of Dettol rammed up his nose soon got things sorted.
The Boy Wonder was convinced that he could fit himself in the luggage compartment of the bus, only to get stuck in the process. Meanwhile The Webmaster was sleeping with a poly bag attached to him (a handle round each ear) just in case he barfed again?
They stopped at Carlisle where Calamity said she didn’t want to miss tomorrow’s Coronation Street so she left the bus
They switched drivers later on the M6 and they got Derek Schumaker (their regular driver) who pointed out the bus had a fridge! That signalled the earlier driver’s collection on the way home to be cancelled. Twat. Shortly afterwards the bus cludgie was put out of action when The Boy Wonder gave birth to a ten pounder, Dennis the Menace on finding this out gave him a swift yank on both his Gotham Cities. (Number one rule for bus cludgies is number ones only).
They made the ferry for 7.30 (which was quite cheap really!) At 7.31, The Chieftain had the bar and Big Stuff’s wallet open. Ifdotcon directed the boys to the Bureau de Change and had to boot Dinnaken Howie’s backside when he stood in the queue look3ed at the sign and started to take his clothes off to put his kilt on.
Before they left Mid Calder, Mike Baldwin got the crew T-shirts and sweatshirts and also got some Chinese sweatshop to make them 2 massive TSTA flags. On the boat the said Johnny B[r]iggs (he’s Ronnie’s brother you know) spoke to the Tap Shop’s Reggie and Ronnie Kray, - Bill and Bill Jnr Crook. Bizarre!
They docked in Calais and the traffic poured out of the ferry – except them. Where were Big Stuff and The Captain? You’ve guessed it…….pished. Eventually, they fell onto deck number 5. Big Stuff still had bruises to prove it for weeks….from The Captain after trying to knock his lights out for being pished!
By now there was a good balance for the bus whilst going round sharp bends. On the starboard side there were 25 gallons in the bus’s bog reservoir and on the port side a huge stash of beer. Schumaker stopped to empty - and fill at a Hypermarket. If you want to know why a Hypermarket is so called all you needed to do was to see the look on Dennis the Menace, Gnasher and Gnipper’s faces when they saw how cheap the bevvy was. When The Janny clocked the prices of drink and fags he thought “Jings ah could make a few bob oot o the 1st Years here!”
Bet Lynch checked out her other half Hamlet’s supply of cigars and it nearly sent her back to hospital (Bet Lynch had only been six weeks out of hospital recovering from a serious operation). If Hamlet bought any more she said she knew the name of a surgeon that would perform the operation to remove the cigars where she planned putting them!
The Chieftain was on a mission to buy Nicky Scissorhands a gem to bring back. He managed a bottle of “Ruby” Port and said “It’s the thought that counts!”
They made it to the Hotel Albert, which was very nice indeed. The friendly, trusting, desk manager wouldn’t let anyone into their rooms until they left a credit card imprint. This was no problem for Credit Card. His Visa has already seen extensive use on many a previous trip. Vouching for 47 other bevvy merchants was a definite no-no though. His credit limit would not stretch to 25 grand. Eventually, they got checked in but Big Brian merits a wee mention for trying to offer his Tesco Clubcard to the bemused desk clerk!
Credit Card and Vice Captain made it first out to The Square leaving Mary Doll and Mini Baird to unpack and put their faces on.
The first person they clapped eyes on was Statto from The Baddiel and Skinner Show. They reckoned Statto was not as cool as his real name he told us…”Angus”. Turning the corner Credit Card was interviewed by Channel 5 obviously for his rugged good looks but more likely because he had only skelped about half a dozen beers by then! The fan mail is still coming in and one day he’ll stop sending it! The Square was bedlam especially when they bumped into The Claw from the EASTA crew. It is their sad duty to report he was semi-sober! It should be noted that 5 hours later he was in his more accustomed state of steamin’.
Soon the others arrived. Litchfield took a few photos of female coppers. At least once, he asked them first, before trying to snog them.
A male copper asked Mary Doll “One question what do ze women wear under zour kilt”. She said “Cycling shorts and if you don’t believe me, why don’t you have a look and you’ll get that truncheon of yours right up yer…”
In the centre of town Gazza was having a sneaky pee (or so he thought) behind this big hedge. His brother The Webmaster was pissing himself laughing at the other side of the hedge, as there were 5 policemen leaning on the said hedge standing next to The Webmaster with “warm feet” looking somewhat surprised.
After a few beers food was needed and an excellent restaurant called “The Danish” was found. A small group from the TSTA ordered, and got, fantastic pepper steaks all round. However, everyone in the place was talking about the restaurant’s toilet. Action Man is only five foot something and his feet normally can’t touch the ground when he’s on the throne. He also prefers to pee at McDonalds so he can reach. Naturally, he wanted to see this it and so did Maid Marian but they held her back as she didn’t think they meant the loo. Action Man reported that a wee electronic arm came out of the pedestal and grabbed the toilet seat, which then spun around to be cleaned. The rest took it in turns to go to the loo by drinking as much beer as they could. A tough job but they were simply just the crew to do it.
Action Man made an excuse about a cold and needed to go back to the hotel alone and left with “some sort of magazine” up his duke that was probably the Mothercare Summer Collection - well there were a few wee diddies in it he said.
The toilet was the talking point of the Tartan Army and soon there was a bigger queue for the bog than the bar.
Ifdotcon, Zowie Howie and his brother Dinnaken came in next along with Mike Baldwin. Well if you’ve watched The Street you’ll know that Mike has had a few French lessons in his time. So The Tap Shop’s very own version decided to order his steak in French. The other 3 took the easy way out and shouted “Big Moo ya bass” and pointed outwards from their ears. The waiter arrived with 3 steaks and a cheese and ham toastie!
Meanwhile, Diesel Dave was running Big Stuff a close second in the well guttered stakes.
As darkness fell (and of course Big Stuff), The Square became a colourful sight of tartan and characters. There was the 5’2” Scotsman who had “I’ll be big in Japan” on the back of his Scotland top. Class.
There was the EASTA guy who owns Sunny (ex-Skippy) The Crocodile who paraded around the square with his new bride complete with wee bridesmaid. He told us that the croc was his best man. Apparently Sean Connery and David Coulthard were invited to his wedding too and they never showed up. “Shure, vroom, vroom”.
Taffy from the Highland Tartan Army was there proclaiming “Freeeeeedom” as usual and posing for photos. He thinks he not only sounds like Mel Gibson he looks like him. (Taffy hasn’t obviously seen a mirror in years!). Spud the Piper provided the music. Dress Sense and Litchfield provided the dancing.
Our very own Humpty Dumpty led the choruses for thousands singing “Heeeeeeey baby, Ah wanna knowww, wull yi be ma girl” on the big wall where all the flags were. The Webmaster made sure the Tap Shop one was on full display.
Later on there was a band of Belgian war veterans parading with the Tartan Army belting out tunes and they got a great reception. As darkness fell, the guy in charge of the lights in The Square gave them all a fine display by changing the colours of the lights shining on the buildings in the Grande Place. The same affect was seen beforehand anyway due to the beer Lock up John and Joanne Longdress passed out to everyone. Meanwhile footballs were being kicked up and down The Square. They had to hold The Janny back from confiscating them.
In a downtown bar The Chieftain was found giving drinking lessons to Pishheid, Wee Rab, Handy Andy and Dennis the Menace. The big felly was teaching them well. Wee Rab was The Chieftain’s disciple as he recited back to The Cheiftain, “A is for Ale, B is for for Bacardi and C is for cider, so why ah’m ah drinking Vodka?” “Come on wee Rab ya soup drinker only 4 letters to go” was the reply”.
The rest of the TSTA were in a side-street Chinese Restaurant. There was an argument about what to eat. As usual Paint Shop Boy and OVD said “Look China you make it we’ll eat it”. (They are the only 2 UK passport holders ever known, to have been kicked out of an all-inclusive complex for eating too much). They eventually all settled on a banquet but Gazza (our very own Egon Ronay) said “Stuff a’ that foreign shite, waiter gie me chicken curry and chips!”.
Windy and Big Brian went back to the hotel for midnight to dump their stuff. Their key didn’t work and they asked Reception for a replacement. The Reception Desk Manager realised they were both mangled and offered to try the door for them. He inserted the plastic card and nothing happened. He then pointed out to both of them that he now knew what the problem was as he inspected their key…. “Sirs your hotel is the one next door!” Bawbags!
At about 2 a.m. all reported back to the hotel. Ronnie and Reggie Kray were captured at the bar. Casey Jones was steamin’ and a rollin’ and Casey Junior kept knocking back the cans of World Cup Disaster (Iran Peru). Action Man was trying out his new weapon, some sort of green nuclear cocktail that knocked him out once he had six, or sex, or both.
Wee Rab had taken too many of The Chieftain’s lessons and was now pouring drink in his ears. Fireman Bam and De Management were schwallying drink like there was no tomorrow.
Windy and Big Brian had just started drinking as they were only on their 25th beer the said and were asking Action Man what the green stuff was and did it include Domestos.
Action Man was so pissed he thought "Egypt David" the cocktail barman had changed sex!
The Captain, Vice-Captain and Credit Card went out in search of something to eat. Nothing was open except a dimly lit “shop” that sold plastic hairy fish suppers and jumbo sausages that were positively made of rubber….so were the black puddings. Instead they tried next door. The Vice-Captain convinced the other 2 that as it had an advert outside for Tap Dancers at least they’d get a drink of water. He told them they’d lap it up! But before entering the chasm all they heard was “Och, Ohya, a fiver for a, ouch, pint” before seeing the boot of a friendly doorman orbiting the kilted bahooky of The Boy Wonder across the street. Time for bed Zebedee.
No strange goings on in the night except a report of Hamlet’s butt going for a naked pee at 4 a.m.
Mary Doll forgot that the clocks are an hour forward in Belgium so she didn’t waken Credit Card in time for their breakfast. At breakfast Big Stuff, that most gifted of linguists, wooed the waitress with his command of the lingo. On serving his coffee he replied sweetly to her “Merci….by the way!”
Credit Card was about to get in the lift when Wee Rab appeared in the same clothes as the night before. On asking why he hadn’t changed, Wee Rab replied “Ah couldnae find ma room. Which room is Paint Shop Boy staying in?” “Where did you stay?” Wee Rab was asked. “Ah dinna ken but I’ve got an erse like a Japanese flag wi yon beer!”
Paint Shop Boy appeared and said someone had nicked his money. The “thief” left his English money, his credit card and phone. Wee Rab told him “ Yer erse you spent it on beer”.
Les Bien appeared and asked who had stolen his good trainers. He tried Dennis the Menace’s room but he was asleep with a pair of tackety boots and socks poking out from his duvet. His duvet was also poking up towards the sky and a copy of Penthouse was keeping the sun out of his eyes. On waking Dennis from his slumber he asked what time it was, when he heard 6 o’clock he thought it was the morning and he had missed the game.
The Boy Wonder was busy flooding his room at the same time by forgetting to close his shower cubicle door.
Arthur who didn’t have a nickname at this point, appeared in the foyer to mention that there was a chance of tickets for those who didn’t have them by going to the ground. Everyone either headed to The Square for drink or to the ground for tickets. Action Man headed for the medicine cabinet for headache pills and back to bed.
Tickets were got for all. At The Square it was 12,000 Scots and about 150,000 beers. The locals were out with their cameras. The Captain bumped into “Average” an ex-TSTA member of years gone by.
Vice Captain and Credit Card got a carry out. Vice Captain got a cheeky wee bottle of Vodka Melon. He hadn’t opened it when a bloke said, “Haw big yin geez a schwally”. Vice Captain obliged and handed it over, whereupon the lad proceeded to barf furiously. Funnily enough his mate declined a schwally when offered too.
Big Stuff was well gone, as was Diesel Dave. At 1.00 p.m. Big Stuff declared he was going to make the match and his jaw hit the floor when The Webmaster told him it was an evening kick-off. Big Stuff slept on a chair just off the square for a few hours cuddling his bottle of port.
A four foot Scooby Doo cut-out was in The Square as were a few bearded Highlanders sporting blonde wigs and playboy bunny ears with T-shirts telling the world they were “Craigie Broon’s Teenage Dirtbags!”
The Janny was teaching Litchfield the lingo. He ended up telling many a maiden that they were ‘tres jolie’. After Litchfield told his 6th stunning blonde this, The Janny said “By the way wee man you’ve just told her she’s got braw tits!” You should have seen wee Litchfield’s face, it took him a while to get to grips with the fact that The Janny, alias Big Shug from Polmadie was having him on.
The Webmaster attended to their flag once again (because he is about 6’ 5” and was the only one who could reach it). The Square was jumping.
At this point I will explain that Away End Bogey was so called because he was caught picking his nose on Sky TV at Ibrox. In his defence he claimed at least he didn’t eat it! He is also a likeable wee lad who was the life and soul of The Square.
He was the one who fell off the wall in The Square and fractured his skull hence his new name Humpty Dumpty.
At the time they were worried like hell. Luckily, Vice Captain is a Fireman, well versed in 1st Aid, as was a nurse in The Tartan Army who was nearby and also another Tartan Army member bloke who helped out. Lastly there was a Belgian lad who very quickly phoned for an ambulance on his mobile. (Lots of others did too but he got through). Between the 4 of them they saved his life it was as serious as that according to the surgeons at the hospital. They were told about 6 p.m. that night that he was unlikely to make it through the night.
The Captain and Chieftain didn’t go to the game and helped The Police and trained counsellors make contact with the UK. A few others couldn’t stomach going to the game either.
The rest went because they felt Humpty Dumpty would have wanted them to and also they couldn’t cope with sitting around doing nothing.
Travel to the Stade Roi Baudouin was by a choice of underground, taxi, tram, or bus. Big Stuff was carried the last part of the way by Dress Sense and Litchfield. Everyone tried their best to concentrate on the game but many of our crew’s minds went back to the dull thump sound they heard on The Square earlier in the afternoon. The game was crap. Like the TSTA, Scotland’s hearts just didn’t seem to be in it.
On leaving the ground there were cries of “Souness for Manager” and then a few laughs were heard as one wag started off singing “You can stick your ****in’ Sushi up yer erse”. Japan and Korea were now in the dustbin of dreams.
OVD told Gnasher that at the game he got chatted up by a Bella Emberg look alike who wanted to take him back to his hotel. He said it was alright - he knew the way anyway! He turned round and panicked as he felt what he thought were two pistols piercing his back. It was her gazongas and he ran off much to the amusement of Paint Shop Boy who could read the terror in his face.
The Belgian Police put the TSTA on a sponsored walk around the stadium before kindly shutting most tube stations and making them find their way back to the hotel somehow in the dark as most of the streetlights were switched off too.
Many of the TSTA were in the queue for the metro. 100's of others were there too, on the way back from the game. There were these 3 nice looking lassies standing outside their house. As usual the song started "Get your tits out for the boys". As the queue moved on there was this 70 year old hanging out her window, everyone clocked her and the song came to an abrupt end. Everyone looked at each other and thought "F*** that, except The Boy Wonder who probably did!"
Most of the TSTA only got back to hotel after 11.00 p.m. but at least they got back to excellent news. Humpty Dumpty’s condition had improved dramatically and although still critical, his injuries were no longer deemed life threatening. The sense of relief was enormous.
Highlights reported in to tell us he got bitten from a dug. OVD declared he was chased by one too but it had Iron Tits! The Boy Wonder came in shirtless showing his tits but did manage to swap it for a policeman’s hat after failing to swap it for his “dug”.
A few ventured out again on hearing the good news about Humpty. The headed for a nosebag and some schwally. The rumours sweeping Brussels the next day were true, Paint Shop Boy couldn’t finish his chicken and chips and in fact he had eaten nothing all day! He really must be ill with the drink everyone thought.
Back at the hotel, the Manager asked The Chieftain if he could help remove one of the TSTA members from the second floor. The Chieftain made it clear that all of their rooms were on the seventh floor, to which the manager replied “Yes but your friend is asleep ON the second floor, next to the lifts. Windy was duly escorted to his scratcher by The Chieftain.
Next day a nurse at the hospital rang to say “Your friend he is OK and has had a good evening but still critical you see because he has broken his head”. A plain English award to nursie there!
Vice Captain was needed to stay by The Police to help greet Humpty’s family when they came over, so a big collection was made to help fund his flight back. What was left over would go to Humpty’s relations to keep them going. One of the crew said, “Here’s £50 from me. It could have been any of us you know”. That and the fact that humour in the face of such a serious event is still rife in The Tartan Army sums it up. “Football is a game of life and death” - said Shankly. Bollocks. It’s just a game.
Get well soon Humpty mate and next trip we will all be taking insurance and E111 forms, plus of course, vinegar and brown paper.
Humpty Dumpty danced on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall,
The Vice Captain and the Brussels A and E
Managed to bring back our mental Raymee