Tap Shop Tartan Army - Stevies Diary Ahrnem

It’s Over The Border If You Dare!
Story of Belarus

A trip to Minsk meant the TSTA had to travel to Belarus via Lithuania. So it was litas and roubles, or zoncs and zincs as they are more affectionately called, to spend again! Getting visas was an absolute nightmare and involved a 7 page form to be filled in detailing everything from your name, right through to the last time your bowels moved to the nearest 10 seconds.

Action Man’s bowels moved very quickly when the Post Office told him they lost his passport and visa. He got a replacement passport and visa delivered just 3 days before they set off. Later he got compensation of 20 first class stamps! Now; given:

1) The only letters he has ever written have been to Santa and
2) He is a shortarsed git who can’t reach a letterbox

the Post Office were a bit unkind.

Things began brightly enough. Everyone was monged the night before at TSTA HQ as Scotland actually beat the footballing power that is Moldova by a resounding 1-0 victory.

Battlebus Commander and Doreen were guests of the TSTA who travelled up from Dumfries. They had helped with hotel arrangements so the TSTA returned the favour by letting them stay in The Vice(roy) Hotel Mid Calder, well Vicey’s hoose. Caz had travelled up from London for the home game but had to leave for a very early flight in the morning so that she could dump her make-up, take on another few hundredweight of cases with some more and then get to Gatwick to meet the others for the flight to Vilnius.

Gnasher and Gazza also had to get an early flight but this was simply because Gazza is a fud when it comes to clocks and didn’t realise he would have to wait 5 hours on the others at Gatwick. Dennis and The Boy Wonder were already at Gatwick having flown down the day before.

The rest made their way to Edinburgh airport by minibus at a reasonable hour. They flew with BA around lunchtime and enjoyed a wee drink on the plane to be sociable and had limited success with a Mexican wave onboard on account of two gents with Financial Times supplements who preferred to shake their heads rather than stand up. Well I suppose the fasten seatbelt signs WERE on.

At Gatwick, Battlebus’ mates Maurice fae Forres, Big Rod plus Graeme and Fiona were already at the bar but The Chieftain still managed to get served before them!

The Lithuanian Airlines flight left on time. The in-flight meal consisted of cold raw bacon, a dod of concrete bread, with a side order of chilled pavement pizza. Remember all the Russian Shot Putters that you saw on TV at the Olympics as a kid? Well they now all work for Lithuanian Airlines as hostesses. Pleasant enough but when you hear Olga serving in row 1 shouting to Katerina in row 49 for Pringles and seeing a tube being launched with such accuracy and velocity it is scary. The last tube I saw being launched that far was when someone tried to steal Haymarket’s phone in Milan.

Arrival at Vilnius was much warmer than the last time the TSTA were there. That night the temperature was minus 13 degrees and The Janny claims to have freezer burns on his bum to this day. This time it was glorious sunshine and 20 degrees, so talcum powder rather than axle grease was the order of the day for kilt wearers.

It was all aboard the number 2 bus for town. For 1 lita (about 25p) the TSTA travelled the 25 minutes into town and walked aimlessly the same again looking for their hotel. On wandering around Sliver commented “Only the ugly women must work in the sky, these burds are just like Russian Tennis players”. There was one such female on reception at The Ambassador Hotel and Marshall Mallow was positively salivating (I think!)

Battlebus was impressed by TSTA Rule 1 a. b) “On dumping yer gear go out of hotel enter first pub on the right, order a drink and await yer mates”. This rule has served the TSTA well for years.

The pub soon had the custom of the full compliment of the TSTA footsoldiers. Armitage Shanks looked a little flush after his first Kiss. Kiss Pear Cider is the best in the world, it’s dry rather than Sweden’s Koppabergs (a close second) which is sweet. Caz had her first taste too and was also suitably impressed claiming purple elephants with pink spots were being served ahead of her. Soon the TSTA were ordered to leave the premises. Well they weren’t ordered, it was simply they had drank the pub dry of dry pear cider.

They then headed to the pub/nightclub called Prospektus in Gedimino Avenue only 50 yards down the road. It was a great place which was jumping and soon the locals began to realise the nutters in kilts had arrived. There were two poles at the bar, the kind for dancing rather than hangin’ yer washin’ oot on. A few more pear ciders and then Action Man was up there, well in truth not very far up as he kept sliding back down again. The barman stepped in to shove him up the pole.

The locals, The Chieftain and The Janny had less successful tries but to be fair their intake of pear cider was greater. As Action Man gyrated towards the top of the pole the locals thought dandruff was falling from his kilt and as a result cleared a nice breathing space at the hot packed bar for the TSTA. Another great use for Johnson’s Baby Powder. Mind you the poor Lithuanian lad who rolled up a banknote got a shock when he snorted it, still it stopped his nose from getting nappy rash.

Caz ordered the troops to bed about 4 a.m. as she was the only one still standing. Next day it was up for breakfast and to sit outside in the sunshine. A tramp then decided to try and engage in conversation with The Chieftain. The Chieftain couldn’t understand a word the tramp was saying and vice versa. The tramp pulled out a ghetto blaster made in around 1970, turned the music on, sat on the pavement and rapidly took his shoes and socks off and then sprinted down the street shouting something loudly as he whizzed by bemused shoppers on Vilnius’ main shopping street. The Chieftain looked to the Boy Wonder and said “There - proof of what too many pear ciders can do for you!”

It was taxis for Vilnius bus station where the TSTA found the cheapest, smallest, smelliest, pub in Lithuania. At 70p for a pint they didn’t complain. The beer was called Horn and Vice Captain and Credit Card posed for a photo that would make Big Stuff jealous as he was left at home in TSTA HQ. (Big Stuff scoffed a few pints of Horn the last time they were here and sold his story to a Marketing Executive. It stemmed from when someone stole his carry out and Big Stuff said “Huv you goat ma six pack o’ Horn” and on TV it is now phrased as “Have you got the Pot Noodle horn. Big Stuff’s royalties were half a bottle of vodka, 20 fags and 6 more cans of Horn).

Soon they boarded the Eurolines bus for Minsk. As everyone planked their bahookies on the seats the rest of the commuters were silent as the TSTA opened their bottles and cans for medicinal purposes. The bus was full. Then a Nun boarded the bus and for no apparent reason all the bottles and cans were swiftly hidden. Expecting some words of wisdom, Mary Doll turned to Credit Card who said unto her “I bet she’ll be good at singing Doh a Deer!”

Half an hour down the road Armitage Shanks decided he wanted a cigarette so was going to the onboard toilet for one. He did his usual, half an hour later he was still in there. He had fallen asleep. That’s how he got his nickname as he had fallen asleep in trap one at TSTA HQ twice before. Shortly after his snooze they reached the border. One and a half hours later they got out at the other side. More about the border crossing process later in this story.

One point of note was that Gazza did not have a wee blue stamp on his visa that the rest did. He was detained in a wee room on his own sat by an open window and didn’t seem too bothered that he could have been deported, fined or have his carry out confiscated. From the window he did shout to the rest of the TSTA as they made their way back on board the bus “Bake a futtin’ cake with a file in it for me!”

Finally they arrived at Minsk bus station to be greeted by the truly wonderful Olga. She wasn’t a pretty woman but her command of English was brilliant. Battlebus had organised Olga’s tour company to pick them up by minibus and take them to their hotel. Chubby wee Olga was standing outside the station looking for the TSTA amid a myriad of colourful Cyrillic advertisements holding a placard with the words “Pear Cider Tartan Army”. They gave up trying to explain why they asked for these words for her sign. On the way to the hotel Olga explained a bit about Minsk’s history and that the KGB were still in force, which makes Minsk twinned with East Calder then.

The weary troops got off the bus and checked into The Planeta Hotel. The team were staying there and on top of the reception desk was a piece of paper detailing which player was in which room. Caz was busy typing the room numbers of her “to do” list in her phone when one of the big wigs at the SFA swiped the bit of paper away and pressed delete. Caz delivered a playful stamp on his left foot.

The lifts were small but Action Man and Armitage Shanks got in the first one and it was packed. They were heading for the 10th floor when the lift stopped at the 6th. As the door opened they were stunned to see Darren Fletcher and James McFadden trying to get in the lift. As Action Man looked on aghast, Armitage Shanks stuck out his right arm between both players and said “Haw you two, where do you think you’re gaun? We’ve just been stuck in a bus for 4 and a half hours, in the presence of a Nun with no sweary words therefore possible. We’ve had to wait at the border for an hour and a half with a serious possibility of personal infringement by a border guard armed with a marigold and some Vaseline and you two, aye you two, want in oor lift. Well yez can just dae wan!”…and then he closed the lift door. McFadden was bent double laughing whereas Fletcher was clearly in shock at the prospect of having to use the stairs.

Before heading out the girls Mary Doll, Dutch, Caz, along with Vice Captain and Credit Card managed to corner the players for a few photos. They were happy to oblige which was good of them, although when Ally McCoist appeared he was taken aback by the girls’ enthusiasm for a photo. They needed a full half hour and a change of underwear each to calm down afterwards. Caz slumped on a nearby couch and had to be resuscitated.

Mary Doll was amazed by the likeness of Craig Gordon to her own Craig (Dress Sense) and called him “son”. Prior to this Marshall Mallow had met Gordon in the lift and said the same thing to the Scotland keeper, so he was a bit freaked out by this but remembered to ask Mary Doll for pocket money and was told “Bugger off and tidy yer room!”

The TSTA searched for their first pub on the right and got suitably monged. The barman obviously keen to make a few roubles charged anything he could be bothered typing into his calculator for drink but it still wasn’t too dear. A beer was anything between 50p and £2 depending on which buttons he hit. Outside a couple of capitalist communists invited the TSTA to buy their Russian hats and badges, which they did.

On getting back to the hotel not surprisingly they all made it back to the bar. In Belarus it is customary for hotels to have half a dozen hookers on call at the bar. They were stunning but one of them made a faux pas by wearing an ENGLAND rugby shirt thus condemning her to no earnings that night. Come to think of it none of the hookers got any business from the Scots fans in The Planeta thus proving that when faced with a pint or their Nat King the glass wins for the Tartan Army.

Just to prove that they are not all squeaky clean certain un-named individuals went on to the hotel’s lap dancing bar in the hotel and some to the casino claiming pathetically that as the hotel bar shut at 2 it was the only place they could get a drink. (Censored).

In the morning after breakfast the players were walking through the hotel foyer off to the bus for training when Mary Doll shouted on her laddie Craig Gordon “Be good at training son” and he smiled as the rest of the players looked confused. There is also a very funny story one of the players let Vice Captain in on but it will remain a secret.

In the lift Vice Captain corned Mc Coist on account of Dutch still being star struck. “Look here Coisty ya dobber see what I’ve got to put up with and it’s all your fault it’s just no fair I cannae compete wi’ you. Can ye no just kid on yer bent or something? She’s met you now four times on this tour and she’s going to run oot o dry drawers soon!”

A full afternoon’s drinking and sightseeing was the order of the day and it was executed perfectly by most. Vice Captain, Credit Card, Dutch and Mary Doll went to the under 21 game and got a thorough soaking. The rain was torrential and how the game finished is a mystery. The highlight was standing in the gantry downstairs watching Graeme and Fiona at half-time wandering through the park below into the woods as the rain lashed down with not a care in the world holding hands like Shrek and Princess Fiona. Ah.

The Belarussian FA had laid on 3 free coaches (40 year old First Bus rejects) to take the small number of Tartan Army back to their hotels. The TSTA 4 boarded the bus and as it drove along the road water gushed in from the bottom of the bus to wash their feet. Vice Captain called for a collection for the driver and his Glengarry was stuffed full of roubles. On handing it to the driver (there must have been about 3 weeks wages in his bunnet), he was visibly moved and couldn’t believe all the money was for him. Nice to be nice on tour.

Back at the hotel bar The Chieftain got a text to say Burley was the new Hearts boss. Credit Card said I’ll find out in 10 seconds flat if that’s right. As the Chieftain looked on in disbelief Credit Card went to the bar and spoke to Vladimir Romanov who also just happened to be staying at the hotel. He said he was going to the under 21 game with a Hearts scarf on and didn’t realise that this was not the right thing to do.

The hotel bar was busy and they had one barman on who looked like Collina the Italian ref. He was as grumpy as Big Stuff at closing time (worth pointing out Big Stuff hardly ever lasts till closing time). There was a gay Lithuanian chap sitting next to Gnasher flashing his business card and looking into his eyes. Gnasher told him to beat it and then one of his pals pinched a drink from the table. The Chieftain resolved matters with a threat of knocking out and then it was back to the beers. The Chieftain went into the foyer to be met by the four Hibs players who were replenishing their rouble supply for the casino. Armitage Shanks joined him for a photo. Some contrast in hairstyles!

The Chieftain, Sliver, Marshall Mallow, Caz and The Boy Wonder hit some nightclub till 4 a.m. and then on the way back walking The Chieftain’s lighter didn’t work so he threw it away over his head. Bang! The thing exploded. Earlier they had bumped into Chic Young who couldn’t drink at their pace apparently.

Match day and Mary Doll saw her laddie after breakfast again and told him to have a good game. It was off to town for some sightseeing and beer. The Janny and a few others were keen on going to the War Museum and it was indeed worth seeing. Minsk had been flattened by the Nazis and some of the photographs of what happened to the people living there were grotesque. Outside the museum there were some old planes and tanks, which were well worth seeing oh and a bar. That’s where they met ex-Hearts star Kevin Thomas who was telling them he now runs a successful travel business. He also said he is friendly with our own Armitage Shanks.

Vice Captain ordered sheep’s brains and pig trotters in a typical Belarus restaurant. They were minging but the steaks were great and served in a porcelain frying pan. Hearts’ second in command to Romanov, Sergei Fedotovas chose the same restaurant and Credit Card got a photo of him with his jacket and hat on. Sergei had a few drinks by the look of him.

The Janny was taking no chances with his new bunnet, he put a shower cap on it to protect it from the rain. Then it was off to the match. The game ended in a 0-0 hammering. We got murdered yet we left with our goal intact thanks largely to the heroics of Mary Doll’s laddie. She even had the four lads behind her at the game believing she was Craig Gordon’s mum.

Back at the hotel the TSTA adjourned to the casino as by now all the Scotland Under 21s had gone and contributed their salaries to this fine cause. The Boy Wonder was blitzed. Dennis had said that he saw him offering $20 to a policeman for his hat. Now that’s nothing new everywhere they go The Boy Wonder has tried this and has often been a hair’s breadth from getting lifted. This time the communist cause wilted and he got his holy grail. He fell asleep in the casino slumped to his chair with his hat on and a fistful of roubles in one hand and a vodka in the other. What contentment.

Next day the TSTA got an offer of going in an earlier bus run by Diamond Dave rather than the service bus they had booked. As this gave them 5 hours more pear cider time in Vilnius they gleefully accepted. Big mistake.

Everything was going fine until the bus driver got done for speeding. More trouble was to follow though when they reached the border. There are four stages of the border crossing between Belarus and Lithuania. They got through stage one OK. Stage two was a different matter. The driver’s paperwork had names on it and of course the TSTA’s names were not on it. They were frogmarched off the bus and the rest of the bus went on to checkpoint three. The TSTA were lined up against the wall and were laughing and joking which with hindsight maybe wasn’t a good idea. The border guard then asked them to hand over their passports and then disappeared for half an hour.

He returned with their passports and a handwritten piece of paper for everyone with a stamp on it. He read out their names and when he said “Boily”, well you had to be there. They were then ordered to walk the 800 yards to checkpoint 2.

Sliver said “Look if they say they are taking us for a shower I’m legging it”. There they waited and waited in a queue and their pieces of paper were stamped by two separate border guards before being allowed to walk another 800 yards to the final checkpoint. At this point there was no sign of the bus and worry was setting in. The process at this checkpoint was particularly slow as this was where they stamped the passports. They guards spent a full five minutes on each person before allowing them to leave and walk the 800 yards to Lithuania and thankfully to the bus which Diamond Dave kept waiting for them. As Gazza left he let out a “Freeeeeedoom” which for once was perfect timing.

Back in Vilnius everyone went out for pear ciders aplenty. Dinner was served on a pitchfork and the restaurant even had a bed to lie down in after the meal before coffee. Batman was walking the streets being chased by the Klu Klux Klan which just proves the power of pear cider but honest it’s true.

Before leaving the girls were shopping when Vice Captain was talking to Credit Card about some of the local beautiful girls that were walking by. He said “Look at that wee arse and there’s thousands of them here, I only want just the one it’s no fair”. Credit Card replied “Well gie up the chips and bevvy then and ye’ll get one!”

Another great tour and it was off to the airport. Gazza lost a pair of jeans from his hotel window and his hearing aid. Armitage Shanks lost his wallet. Credit Card lost his bunnet but there was something else. On the plane home Armitage Shanks said his feet were killing him so he took off his Cat boots. “Nae wonder. I’m a size 10 and these are 8’s!

Roll on Norvege.

Photographic Evidence