Tap Shop Tartan Army - Stevies Diary Ahrnem

A Fuel Stop Too Far.
The Story of Arnhem

16 brave foot soldiers left The Tap Shop for Holland on 25 April to see Scotland’s friendly match in Arnhem. The following Bravehearts were there:

Captain – Organiser of the trip, part-time driver and upside down map reader.
Vice Captain - Equally ugly brother of the Captain, Tartan Army veteran, driver and sideways map reader.
Diesel Davie. – Driver, linguist fuel pump attendant and doesn’t read at all
Litchfield. - Army photographer and the Captain’s son.
Mini Baird – Vice Captain’s daughter and serial service station shopper
Credit Card – The “plastic surgeon”
Mary Doll – Credit Card’s Mrs and pillow
Dress Sense – Son of Mary Doll who wore trainers with his kilt
The Chieftain – Our Chieftain with a pudding face.
Big Stuff - Chieftain’s sparring partner and vodka pourer
Diced Carrot – Polbeth guest who can spew through his teeth
Marco van Nappin – Polbeth’s answer to Rip van Winkle
Love St Gazza – Dress Sense’s pal who supports St Mirren
Bottle Opener – Another of Dress Sense’s pals who couldn’t open a beer bottle
The Boy Wonder – He thought Victoria Wines was a bird
Dover Soul – A well known Geordie Jock who we picked up in Dover

Eight o’ clock and the Tap Shop boarded the Bus having had a pre-journey schwally. By half past eight, they had loaded up the carry out. Between them, The Chieftain and Big Stuff had 2 litre bottles and a normal sized bottle of vodka plus a wee bottle of port to wash it down with. Their excuse was that the shops wouldn’t be open again until the morning. The others tried their best to keep up with them but they knew they were fighting a losing battle.
Five hours later they made it down to a truckers’ stop frequented by Diesel Davie. The folk in there made The Chieftain look good looking. Credit Card headed for the bogs to claim the tour’s first barf. Then he ordered a full English breakfast.
The Boy Wonder tried to chat up one of the wifies who was serving the meals and used a novel chat up line. “Are your teeth real?” They then headed back on the bus after The Boy Wonder’s knock back. Diesel Dave was in fine form aiming the bus in the right direction thanks to the Captain and Vice Captain being sober.
At 1.30 in the morning disaster struck and Dover Soul discovered that Big Stuff and Pedro had ran out of Coke for their vodka shandies. There was only enough Coke for one voddie. I am sorry to report that the mother of all battles followed as to who should get the last one. Handbags flew at 50 paces. You know how the Village People dance to YMCA? Well, that’s what Big Stuff and The Chieftain looked like when they were trying to punch each other’s lights out. The Boy Wonder cracked open the port and suddenly there was a cease fire. He went a stage further by pointing out that he had some fresh orange and it goes down a treat with vodka. Suddenly, just like the channel crossing to follow there was calm.
The boat was a bit of a non-event as it was so predictable. They got on the boat at 7 a.m. and The Chieftain had the bar open at 7.01. They claimed their spot in the ship’s lounge bar and draped 2 Lion Rampants and a St Andrew’s Cross over the balcony:

To claim their territory
To annoy the English on board
To dry one of the flags which had been sprayed with bevvy

The female custom officer asked for their passports at Calais and was going to search the bus. Luckily, Litchfield dropped a rather fine bottom burp, which kept the officer away.
They were in France. They were on their way. Two minutes later they were lost. The Vice Captain declared the signs were in French. The Captain said he was right and Diesel Dave said “What signs?” They hit a toll barrier (well not quite as they stopped at it in time). This was not in the brochure as they were told before hand in The Tap Shop TA that there were no tolls. The person who told them was drunk at the time. Unfortunately, he was right but they managed to find the wrong road.
Guess what? Nobody had any French Francs on them. The French guy in the toll booth was getting annoyed. Dover Soul tried bribing him with a can of Tennents but he didn’t see the funny side of things. Well he was French. Eventually, Credit Card came to the rescue and bailed the Tap Shop Tartan Army out to the tune of £2.10. One minute later and the Captain (who had now taken the wheel) managed to get them in yet another toll queue. Credit Card’s plastic got hit again. £4.20 now hey that’s close to his limit. They were still lost. Diesel Davie tried out his French skills when the minibus stopped “Haw hen where’s Holland?” They are all sure she answered “10 o’clock.” Their luck was in as a passing English motorist said to follow him and he would get them on the right road. Magic. The trouble was they got lost again. When he left them he said turn right but nobody told the Captain who was driving away daydreaming of a night of hot passion with Samantha Fox.
They stopped at a farmhouse where a guy washing his windows looked mightily impressed as the Vice Captain marched towards him while everyone else took a leak in the hedges. Big Stuff needed stabilisers to answer his call of nature and they were impressed that he came back out of the bushes again (he slept under bushes cuddling a vodka bottle at Hampden instead of watching the England game).
With a haw, hee haw they scuttled through France and made it to Belgium. They stopped at a service station and did anyone have any Belgian Francs? Ehm nope. Credit Card was worried about his limit and asked the wee wifie who looked after the bogs if she would accept Sterling to use her cludgie. She agreed a fee of 25p but insisted that she watch, - and she did!
The Captain had arranged for T-Shirts to be printed for the boys for a tenner and these were quickly handed out and worn with pride.
The Boy Wonder lay on the Tarmac sleeping. They jumped on the bus. They jumped back off the bus to wake The Boy Wonder as they remembered he had the bottle opener. The Black Beetle car that was parked next to them moved 400 yards away presumably to avoid the smell from their bus. The Chieftain scientifically calculated how far they had to go to the Dutch border. “Ach 15 haufs and we’ll be there”. Big stuff reckoned that 16 would be a more accurate figure. Their next comfort break was free. There was a big canal to aim at. When they stopped there was a fully leathered biker who gave them all the eye except Mary Doll and Mini Baird. They then realised that there were a lot of single blokes in parked cars where they had stopped and not a chick in sight. They jumped back on the bus and headed up the road.
The Dutch border beckoned and Marko van Nappin finally woke up. “What was the score?” he asked and then went back to sleep. It was around this point that Dress Sense spotted a bare erse in the bushes across the road. It was a Nudist Camp. As it was a bloke they kept driving much to the annoyance of Mary Doll.
Their one and only cassette tape continued to be played and the Army belted out “We’re on the march with Ally’s army” for about the 50th time. Credit Card still hadn’t learned all the words to the next section and chose to sing "We’re loast in a Belgian housin’ scheme”. Yes the Vice Captain had taken over driving and managed to get them lost in Belgium’s equivalent of Murieston (the houses all had windows).
The Vice Captain did ask a foxy blonde 18 year old to jump in the minibus with them after asking for directions. However, when her boyfriend said he would go instead the Vice Captain found the accelerator pretty quickly.
At last a sign for Arnhem, straight ahead. They turned right. They turned right again and got back on track. They arrived. They marched up to town in a straight line. Big Stuff on the other hand preferred the pinball march as he bounced off everything in sight. Marko van Nappin and Diced Carrot found a burger bar. The rest of them found one without a burger.
What a nice place Arnhem is, nice buildings and no grafitti. They sat at this wee bar, supped cool beers and watched the world go by. Litchfield got his camera out and took a few photos of a policewoman who a few of the boys liked. It was quiet, it was peaceful, until Dress Sense arrived with his air horn. Things got worse when The Chieftain got his hands on it (at the third attempt due to the shakes from his vodka frenzy).
They decided to search for the square. No matter where the Tartan Army travel they always find a square full of boozers. Arnhem didn’t disappoint, they found a square with boozers boozing. The place was jumping full of Tartan Army lads and lasses mixing in with orange boiler suited Dutch fans all singing their heads off loudly. Love St Gazza was scared being in a big crowd. Love Street seemed a million miles away now. The beer was about the same price as back home, only they drunk at twice the speed. Diced Carrot was even ahead of The Chieftain at this stage.
The Captain was congratulated by his troops. They were there. They were drinking. A lad ran by them into the nearby pub with a flag under his armpit. Five minutes later the 3,500 odd people in the square let out a huge roar. There was the lad with the flag standing on the roof of the pub some 100 feet high above unfurling his flag. Next, he did the Full Monty dance ending with his kilt being tossed in the air to a huge laugh. Mary Doll and Mini Baird loved this part of the trip. A policewoman just shook her head and had a good laugh. They explained that was exactly what the lad on the roof had done.
The Tap Shop Tartan Army was dragged out of the pub screaming by the Captain and Vice Captain. Had any foot soldiers missed the game then they would have lost their respect.
Arnhem town council ran free buses from the square to take the Tartan Army to the stadium. They trooped on board with a few of the Dutch fans and had a good singing session on the 5 minute journey. It’s just a shame that Big Stuff was trying to sing a different song to everyone else.
Outside the stadium there was a mother of all parties going on with music blaring and congas of tartan and orange all over the place. The Tap Shop Tartan Army of course joined in and then worked out a strategy to get Big Stuff into the game. He was flopping about like a puppet. They stood in the queue holding him up, got through the turnstile then disaster struck. Everyone was to be searched. Big Stuff nearly fell on the security guard searching him and as the guard was some 10 stone lighter he just waved Big Stuff in. Big Stuff said he wanted to pinch himself to see if he was dreaming he had made the game. Due to the vodka he had to pinch himself 4 times before he felt anything.
What a stadium The Gelredome is:

A bar coded automated ticket system
A plastic card for refreshments
Some carpets in the place
A free programme and blow up crown
A retractable roof and pitch
And you can bevvy in your seats

Incredible features of a modern stadium, imagine being allowed to bevvy in your seat. Progress.
Scotland drew 0-0 and played reasonably well. They went back to the square to celebrate. There followed a 2 hour party session which had to be seen to be believed. Diesel Davie still hadn’t had a pint but he was drunk on the atmosphere. The Boy Wonder was trying in vain to plant a kiss on the pub’s vicious looking American Pit Bull. The poor dog was terrified. And I can tell you there are quite a lot of dogs terrified of a kiss from The Boy Wonder.
They sent out some of the Army for kebabs. Diced Carrot had 2 fro himself the greedy git. It was time to go. They didn’t want to miss the ferry and had to leave Arnhem for Calias. The Captain and Vice Captain did their one man and his dog and rounded everyone up. The Chieftain on the other hand said everyone had plenty of time and he was staying to finish his drink.
Credit Card spied The Chieftian’s pint and guzzled it, laughed and said “Right Pedro that’s yer drink gone now. Let’s go”. The Chieftain smiled broadly then brought his right arm from behind his back with a Bacardi Breezer attached and proclaimed. “Up yours. I’m no on pints it’s Breezers”.
At last they were on their minibus for home. Diesel Davie was driving and everyone nodded off as they headed the wrong way. Two hours later they were just 8 miles out of Arnhem
Diesel Davie stopped for fuel. He filled the tank, which turned out to be a bit of a mistake. Diced Carrot woke up and sprayed a big spew all over the place. Out of courtesy he went back to sleep immediately leaving everyone else to clean it up. This prompted a chain barf. First off it was the Vice Captain who ran outside and he exploded 3 times in quick succession. Next up, was Bottle Opener who had skelped a good bevvy for one so young. The kebabs must have been dodgy.
They were back on the road for about 2 miles when the minibus conked out on the motorway. The Captain and Dress Sense went to find an SOS phone. They came back 10 minutes later stopped, shrugged their shoulders and then headed off in the other direction.. They got back on the mini bus and half an hour later they were being towed by the Van Kats Recovery Service all the way to Utrecht. Mr Van Kats and his buddy refused to tow us until they handed over some cash. As Henry the barman doesn’t take Guilders in The Tap Shop, Dover Soul managed to convince those with cash to stump up.
Dover Soul then said they had found the fault. It was petrol that Diesel Dave had put in the tank instead of petrol. Now you know why they call him Diesel Dave and why he has two black eyes. Mr Van Kats said he would get them on the road but it was going to cost them big time unless one of them joined the AA. They needed 185 Guilders and nobody had that much left. Credit Card dusted down his trusty Visa again and they were sorted. They were going to miss their ferry but at least they were back on the road.
Dover Soul needed to be back quickly and he asked Mr Van Cats where the train station was, as he had to leave for home or his business could go up in smoke. Mr Van Cats said he would run him to the station. The other Van Cats’ mechanic promised to show the others how to get back on the right road if they could follow him for 5 miles.
They did this and headed home. Most of them woke up around Brugge where yet again they managed to get lost. Marko van Napppin and Diced Carrot had slept through the diesel fiasco and they both took a bit of convincing to believe what had happened. Diced Carrot didn’t even know he had spewed. The Vice Captain playfully rubbed his nose in the carpet to prove it to him.
They got directions again and then headed for the ferry. The Chieftain and Big Stuff opened another bottle of vodka to celebrate. The ferry journey was fairly quiet although a few Vodka Ices were skelped by Big Stuff, The Chieftain and The Boy Wonder.
As they came off the ferry they heard on the radio that the ferry they had missed had crashed and 15 people were stretchered off. They managed to do that without a crash!
The TSTA were weary. Their minibus was hired in East Calder and they headed to the minibus company’s Dover branch to let them know they were late. As they waited a guy was filling up a Mondeo. He left the nozzle in the tank, drove away and the pump blew open spurting petrol everywhere. Luckily, it was about the only minute that nobody on the bus had been smoking a fag. The guy was visibly shaken and nearly came to blows with his mate who called him an idiot. The TSTA, on the other hand, were pissing themselves laughing.
They were back in Britain. They couldn’t get lost now and they didn’t. They made it back home to The Tap Shop, had a few beers and slept for Scotland.