So your best mate is Batman then?

Aye Twinkletoes isn’t a bad lad is he….Oh sorry I thought you said Fatman (Apologies Jamesie) Actually Batman’s mate Spiderman was telling me all about 3 Manchester United players from the 1980s that surnames have something to do with spiders. Do you know who they are?

No Robin but I’ve a feeling you are going to tell me?

Neil WEBB, Steve BRUCE and of course INCEy bitsy spider. Ha ha ha ha (Ouch what did you hit me for?)

Still on the Lithuanian Pear cider then?

Oh definitely that stuff is the cat’s bollocks. In fact when I discovered it first; ahead of The Chieftain I felt like the dog that got the cream.

No side effects then since Killie skelped you one?

No the brain’s in perfect working order (at this point Robin rubbed his arse).

Tell me a bit about your facelift last year?

Aye that would be Dr Killie(dare). He helped rearrange my face for me thanks to me annoying him all night in the pub and talking pish. It’s all forgotten now and it’s water over the bridge.

You got your coupon in The Record did you not after Arnhem?

Aye and it wasn’t a criminal record. Mind you the way The Daily Ranger reports on Hearts games is criminal. Yes my photo made the paper. It was a strong camera obviously, it must have been because the photo turned out, just like my pockets were in Arnhem after buying Big Stuff drink.
At least my hair wasn’t sticking up at the front. It normally looks like Cameron Diaz’s in “There’s Something About Mary” but for once when I cupped my hands over my mouth and raised it upwards it was remarkably free of snot.
Talking of snot what happens if you pick your nose and guide your bogey into a fridge full of beer?

Don’t know?

Lead a snot into temptation! (Kerpow, Crunch, Zap, Pow, Biff!).

Robin pinch your nose and keep your head forward it will soon stop bleeding. Stop crying. Now who is the best five a side goalie? Is it you or Zico Gilmour?

Och go and ask me a hard question. He is the worst goalie I’ve ever seen. I mean Paul Gallacher is better than him with one arm tied behind his back. Zico goes down in instalments. Come to think of it so does that lassie in Waterworld in Lithuania that Twinkletoes met. He’s still paying the instalments.

What’s it like being a Canadian in The Tartan Army?

Fine. Mind you it was embarrassing at Easter Road when I didn’t know the words to the Canadian National Anthem but there again I still struggle with stringing together the phrase “It’s my round”. Right can I go now? To the Batmobile!!