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Vaseline, Mustard and a Cheese Grater. Ouch!!
An interview with The Fugitive

So “The Fugitive”?… that conjures up an image of a rugged Hollywood actor, so just why the F@*&$ are you so ugly?
Watch it! I’ve had this coupon since I was born and I’m running it in for a horse by the way. I wish I had the tadger to match though.

Why the name “The Fugitive”?
Well son, you see I live in darkest Englandshire. Jings, the only time I dare watch Braveheart on the telly is with the curtains shut and the sound down. Mind you that goes for the rest of the videos I’ve got (Fugie patted his nostril with finger).

Tell me about your favourite tour moment?
Oh that’s easy! The look on that Hibby mong Fried Egg’s face when he turned up for the meal in Oslo that Credit Card booked for him as a “surprise”. The restaurant was called The Jambo and he went nuts.

Oslo? Is that where you perfected the famous John McWayne walk?
Aye that’s right. Gnasher reckoned it was only a 15 minute walk back into town after the game. It took an hour. I had a brand new kilt on and it was as stiff as a board, after having all kinds of liquid thrown over it by a drunken Gazza the night before. In particular there was a saucer-sized stain of engrained - rather than grain mustard, which had squelched out of the bottom of several of the dozen hot dogs Gazza scoffed.
Anyway the friction burns on yon patch against a certain part of my swinging anatomy (let’s call it ma boaby) was pure cheese-grater stuff if you pardon the mental picture.
My boabby was nippin’ every step of the way particularly when the mustard kicked in. I waddled the last mile and Jacquie from Kirkcaldy and Mary Doll killed themselves laughing as I apparently looked like John Wayne after a hard ride on Trigger or whatever his horse was called.

Trigger was Roy Rogers’ horse ya erse
Ah know but it felt like someone had pulled ma Trigger let me tell ye son.

Did you learn anything from this traumatic experience Fugie Boy?
Oh ah sure did! A good helping of Coleman’s in yer nether regions is nae substitute for the tried and tested Vaseline. Trust me on that one. Mind you at least I could truly say that my willy was for once “Hot Stuff”!