Tap Shop Tartan Army - Stevies Diary Ahrnem

Five Countries And A Swimming Pool
The Story of San Marino and Zagreb

The Tap Shop Tartan Army set off on the World Cup Double Header with a total of 16 footsoldiers.

Captain
Vice Captain
The Chieftain
Credit Card
Mary Doll
Teuchter
Bella Stella
The Therminato
Jon Bhoy Walton
Maggie Walton
Nicky Scissorhands
Marshall Mallow
Big Stuff
Litchfield
Lock up John
Joanne Longdress

First stop was Thursday 08/10/00 for a Karaoke do plus an extra Stag/Hen night for Henry and Lynn behind the bar The TSTA were all going to miss their real Stag and Hen dos while we were away.
The hangovers were present big time, the next day for the minibus to Edinburgh Airport. Big Stuff and Marshall Mallow had a couple of hours extra sleep as they had a later flight. This meant that for these 2 hours Mallow could comb his beloved locks and look in the mirror, whereas Big Stuff could scoff a few voddies and look for his bottle opener.
The first leg of the journey was to Stansted (Englandshire). They hit the bar in preparation for their 10.10 flight with a few choruses of “Cheer up Kevin Keegan”. Lock up John’s jaw hit the floor when he found out the prices. Lucky he had a carry out.
The flight was hassle free as The Therminator and Bella Stella had seats well apart. (Congratulations to Big Souney by the way for chatting up the Go check-in folk at his work so that they were all sat more or less together). Fourteen Fruit Muffins and a case of beer later they made it above the sky to Stansted. This prompted the wings of a sparrow song and loo visits. The pilot had a novel way of landing. He threw out an anchor. They made it to country number 1.
Litchfield spotted Brian Burnett, the guy from Scottish Passport walking to get his luggage. That boy could do with eating a few pies and getting rid of a severely poncy haircut. So The Chiftain told him! Then to the bar.
Their connecting flight to Venice was on time (about half a dozen pints later). The pilot told them the weather would be hot so Joanne Longdress went as far as exposing her ankles. The pilot was a lying git. It was raining but they made it to country number 2.
They were joining the East of Scotland Tartan Army at the airport and heading off for a base in Lido di Jesolo. Before they knew it they had all met Tam Ferry (EASTA’s leader) who settled them in nicely by giving them 3 beer vouchers each. There then followed a major party in their hotel - The Four Star Svezia. There were a total of 200 Scots fans staying in the hotel plus a handful of Spanish guests plus a few Japanese and 2 Americans. Within an hour the Spaniards and Japs were learning “The Flower of Scotland” and dancing away with the rest of them to the music of the pipes. The 2 Americans did this within 10 seconds. The obviously had Scottish blood in them.
The TSTA gave Tam a Quaich and a bottle of whisky inscribed “From the Tap Shop” which he appreciated.
The 2 mascots the Tartan Army brought with them were having fun. There was a cardboard cut-out of Archie MacPherson’s face on Darth Vader dancing on the bar with Skippy the Bush Crocodile.
They were getting to know their new friends and came upon the one they call The Claw. Do you remember the Rab C episode in Spain where he shouts “Hands across the seas”? Well we just knew that The Claw and Big Stuff were going to get along fine.
Big Stuff and Marshall Mallow had arrived so all 16 were now here - and drinking. 4 buses were to leave at 09.00 in the morning for San Marino. They were all on coach 1 and The Captain made sure they were all seated together. There was to be no smoking or drinking on the bus, which was fine for them as most of them were Resolving to the max.
They hit the first loo stop and The Chieftain was almost lifted for eating an ice lolly in a built up area. The driver said he couldn’t get on the bus with his ice lolly. He said “It’s a Magnum ice lolly no a flippin’ gun”. Mary Doll’s bottom sounded like a gun as she said “Oops pardon” and turned a crimson red.
They were supposed to be going to Rimmini for a pre match schwally but the bus company insisted in taking them directly to San Marino instead. On the bus they sang “We’re on the way to San Marino, we’re off the beer and on the vino” and nobody really cared. They made it to country number 3.
They liked San Marino but it was freezin’. They got off the bus and within 3 minutes they were in the pub. (Well, restaurant really because they were hungry too), - they think of theirselves not as alcoholics but unquenchables when they are on tour. Somehow they lost 4 of their party as they went looking for a boozer with a telly to cheer on Germany against England. Out of the window many Scots passed by with German flags and strips on.
They had tremendous pizzas and a few beers so their waitress Maria got a £40.00 tip. Vice Captain got the usual arms around waitress and I’ll send you a copy when I get back photo. They all stocked up on duty free like Vodka for £5 and Baileys for £3 (plus the girls bought perfume) and they headed back on their coach for the Olympico Stadio Saravalle. It sounds magic doesn’t it. It was basically scaffolding in the middle of nowhere on a mountain!
The game was rank rotten and all of them caught the flu due to it being freezing. They did however win 2-0 and that’s what matters most. Mr Keegan’s resignation and a German victory made it a night to remember. They then headed back for their coach. It was a pity it hadn’t headed back for them. Their coach was not there and neither were the other 3.
All the other Scotland fans’ coaches whizzed by. The Italian scumbag bus company did a runner and left 4 busloads of The Svezia’s star guests stranded. They said it was down to one bus where someone had been sick and the bus was in a mess. This was garbage. They later discovered that the bus company thought the match would be a 15:00 kick off and not 20:00 and as such they needed the buses back for another hire.
Anyway, amid all this ballyhoo they have to give superb credit to the San Marino cop who spoke good English. He was brilliant. He told everyone what the bus company did broke Italian law and took full statements from our Tartan Army lawyer from EASTA. (Tam never travels without one). The cop was brilliant and managed to get them 1 bus by midnight. This would mean they could at least get the women and kids home. There were also a few guys who needed to get to a doctor for replacement medicine as they left this on board their bus.
As for the rest of them they had to wait to see what the cops could do for them whilst they got photos taken on the pitch. You always get one or two bams and one drumming footsoldier suggested starting a riot. Aye right son (I’ll come back to him later)!
Although The Tap Shop missed out on this one, the cops brought out 2 wheelie bins. They said this was full of drink they confiscated before the match and offered everyone the chance to fire in and even opened the bottles! (Can’t see that one ever going to happen back home).
The team bus appeared and all waved them deliriously away. Come to think of it they were sure Craigie Brown used this strong salute hours after the game as a major gee-up tactic for the next game. Couldn’t you just see him saying in the changing rooms before the Croatia game “Do it for the fans that waited to wave at you 2 hours after the end of the San Marino game.”
They waved goodbye to the bus with the women and kids on it next. Some of the TSTA women stayed. Nicky Scissorhands, Bella Stella, Maggie Walton and Joanne Longdress all said in unison “Aye and you thought we’d leave you lot to go out on the beer on your own”. Crdit Card and the Vice Captain whose other halves were on the bus cried “Freedom!”
Poor Keegan. 1-0 to Germany. The Captain said that they had a worse result than England. The TSTA lost 4 coaches they only lost one! (Keegan got the sack that night).
Litchfield took a few photos then the rain came on. It was 00:30 so the San Marino police decided to open up the stadium for shelter for them while they pondered their next move. All 150 of them had a wee look round whilst the police got the bar open for them! Big Stuff managed to buy his customary 3 bottles of wine.
At 01:30 the police announced they had enough minibuses and taxis to take them to Rimmini. From there they could get a train to Venice and then a bus or taxi to Lido di Jesolo. At this point another thumbs up for the San Marino police - they were superb.
They couldn’t all get on the same minibus and Jon Bhoy Walton and Maggie plus Lock up John and Joanne Longdress were left behind. The train to Venice they were told by Marshall Mallow was at 04:00. Mallow wanted to start walking after the game and said “I told you something was up a few times” and was lucky they didn’t steal his comb right there and then.
They made it to Rimmini train station at 02:00 and were told the train was at 03:37. Big stuff hadn’t even had a chance to open his wine but where there’s a bottle of wine there’s a schwally and in true Heinz Wolfe - Great Egg Race Style the big man found a way. There was a door hook that looked like a tent peg. A gentle whallop and hey presto the big man had it open. Well seen the big guy is originally from Airdrie. Credit Card’s trusty plastic was no use as the ticket machine so it was Vice Captain to the rescue for a few zonks for the fare.
The drummer guy I mentioned earlier was greetin’ for his mammy in the corner of the station. Whit a diddy!
The Chieftain cuddled Nicky Scissorhands with his flag. Big Stuff lay on the floor to sleep off his Chianti and Bella Stella and The Therminator lay by his side trying to get a hold of his other 2 bottles. Credit Card and the Vice Captain took it in turns to say “Bored, bored, bored.” Mallow (who was wrecked) struck up a nonsense conversation with a guy who had a lump of cheese as a hat. Litchfield took photos. The Captain stared at the tramp in the corner. Ach this is just an ordinary Saturday night!
It was 03.30 and there was no sign of the rest of the Tap Shop crew. They were in some hotel bar in Rimmini and decided to wait until 03.45 before making the supposed 04:00 train. Some other bright sparks jumped on the 02.30 train to Boliza in the mistaken belief that that this was Italian for Bologna. They got off the train in Milan.
They piled on in 2 different compartments. Captain pointed out they were on carriage 13. How apt. Big Stuff reckoned it was a braw comfy train. Mallow wouldn’t shut up and needed a volume control due to the drink he consumed. They tried to sleep and he banged the window. At this point Credit Card asked him how he was going to eat corn on the cob with no feckin’ teeth. It worked. They nodded off and then “pow!” in comes Mussolini Maria the train conductress and kicked them out of First Class.
The same happened to their other carriage but they all hid in the loo and skipped back in.
Finally, they made it to Venice and grabbed a taxi home in time for breakfast at 07:30 and then bed. The other carriage went to the next station but those inside made it back shortly after the rest. The others got back at 14.30 having been on a sloth train via the real Bologna.
They had all planned to go to the Venezia game on the Sunday but they were too knackered. Instead, they had a few beers. At 15:45 the hotel manager (Renato) screamed at The Captain and Co. to watch the TV. It was half time at the Venezia game and the camera shot was of 50 or so Tartan Army footsoldiers bouncing up and down in the rain and getting the Italians to sing “Stand up if you hate England”.
They had a quiz at night and Credit Card’s team won (surprisingly due the Vice Captain’s sad love of Dingbats). If Teuchter ever finds out about Dingbats she’ll not be too happy. Some of the questions were brilliant:

50 W to LYL
11 Y of MT
7S to a FPP

The answers were:

50 ways to leave your lover
11 years of Maggie Thatcher
7 sides to a fifty pence piece

And then we hit the beer again.
Next day Mary Doll, Vice Captain, Teuchter and Credit Card opted for culture and headed for Venice. A 10 minute bus journey to Jeselo station, another bus to Punta Sabionni and then a 40 minute ferry to Venice for £4 return was great value.
They fed the pigeons, did a bit of shopping and found somewhere to buy Croatian money. (In Tartan Army double-header terms, zonks are the first country’s dosh and zinks the next). That done they then had a brilliant meal served to them by Beppe who thought a pork chop was a sirloin steak but apart from that the grub was fine.
Whilst in the loo, The Vice Captain and Credit Card saw something so surreal. The window was open and whilst they answered nature’s call they heard and saw the call of a gondolier paddling by singing “O Sole Mio”.
They passed the Rialto Bridge when a vision from Mecca appeared before them. There was a stall selling kiddies furry toy bags like puppies and lions and so forth. They had a beaver. Biting front teeth to bottom lips, the Vice Captain and Credit Card declared – “Sporrans!” and bought them. They are called Haggis and Hamish McBeaver. They then took pictures of them having fun in Venice by the canals, with a gondolier and strategically placed on “The Thinker” statue.
Not surprisingly, when they got back to the hotel the rest were impressed so they went to Venice again the next day to show them where to buy them. This time on the boat they met an Australian couple who had never heard of the Tartan Army. They have now and they both learned “The Flower of Scotland” for good measure too. They all went to Beppe’s and those who hadn’t been before were impressed. The Chieftain held Nicky Scissorhands hands and was going to do the scene from Lady and the Tramp but thought it wouldn’t quite work with Lasagne instead of spaghetti.
Back home to the bar. The lawyer got the bus company to return everyone’s belongings, i.e. mostly duty-free purchases. Tam Ferry confirmed he had another, more reliable, bus company booked to take everyone to Croatia.
They were leaving at 01:00 for Zagreb. Maggie Walton declared “This time let’s make it a 2 way trip”. Tam Ferry had already sent 1 bus up to Zagreb the night before and the rest were raring to go. The buses turned up late but at least they turned up! Everyone climbed aboard. Big Stuff and the Claw fell on. “There’s Something About Mary” was on the video. Credit Card had seen it 3 times now and still thought it was funny.
They made it to Slovenia – country number 4. Driving through Slovenia Vice Captain thought it looked a very nice place; a sort of “The Sound of Music” meets “The Fog”.
At last they made it to the Croatian border - country number 5. They were held up for 40 minutes probably because of the Captain’s passport photo. It is a stormer. He looks like the Village People biker and guess what the whole bus told him so once Tam Ferry passed it around the bus!
They were given a police escort to the hotel that the rest of The Svezia who left the night before were staying at. The police escort was worrying but they had nothing to worry about. The locals were great. It was 09:30 and they were starving so they moved straight off to find the Old Town Square. All the cars were tooting and waving at them, which is always a good sign.
Big Stuff stumbled on a Penthouse Billboard and after 3 marriage proposals The Chieftain finally managed to pull him away. The TSTA sat at bullet ridden MacDonald’s and then bumped into the rest of the Tartan Army in The Square. It was jumping. They met up with the Edinburgh Tartan Army including Johnny Marr and Angie Clachers. Alan Moultray and Stevie from the Merchie Hearts Club were there too.
John Bhoy Walton and Credit Card headed for a carry out. They went to a market place where a butcher was unloading half a coo. He dropped it in the gutter and picked it back up again before tapping Jon Bhoy on the shoulder to tell him no smoking in the market!
There were pipers and drummers and the locals supped up a really good atmosphere. Dress Sense bought Croatian flags, pennants etc. For tea, Vice captain and Credit Card ate elephant ears which were something like a toastie only much, much bigger. The kiddies backpacks were causing a stir as those who bought them posed for lots of sporran shots. Finally beers were finished and it was time for them all to make their way back to the buses.
At the nearby pub one of the lads had learned “I love you” in Serbo-Croat but even passing grannies turned him down flat.
As they got off the bus the very helpful Craotian police pointed them in the direction of a nice pub with pizza (if they were on commission which they probably were the TSTA didn’t care). They couldn’t refuse and at less than 80p a pint Big Stuff was chuffed. They guzzled a few more beers and then made their way to The Maksimir Stadium which is pretty basic. They were searched going into the stadium. Credit Card was stunned when his tic-tacs were taken by a Croatian policeman, who said the tic-tacs were “dangerous”.
When Croatia scored there were rockets and red whistling fireworks everywhere but thankfully no tic-tacs! When Scotland equalized there was bedlam and of course shock. A goal, away from home, and one that actually means something.
They came out singing and dancing and didn’t care that they had another massive bus trip home. Braveheart was the video this time. Being hung drawn and quartered is exactly how they would all feel in the morning after such a drink and emotion filled trip.
They stopped just inside the Slovenian border. It was a pub/café where an unofficial United Nations meeting of football fans was about to take place given that Slovenia had played Switzerland on the same night. Scotland fans were there, the Croats, The Slovenians and The Swiss. There was a terrific party atmosphere for an hour or so but let me tell you this, the Swiss National Anthem is honkin’.
When they got back to The Svezia at 05:40, Renato had left a big sign “Welcome home Tartan Army – Congratulations. P.S. England only got a draw against Finland”.
Everyone slept for Scotland. When they awoke they had a few beers then went for their dinner. When they left the restaurant, they saw Renato’s big sign that said “All Tartan Army be in the main bar at 20.00 sharp”. It was underlined menacingly – twice. Everyone thought someone must have trashed a room.
Instead, at 20:00 Renato grabbed a mike and said he loved having the Tartan Army here and presented Tam with a cracker of a trophy engraved with the hotel’s thanks. He went on to say that even in high season The Svezia sold only 1 barrel of beer per day. The Tartan Army had managed 8 per day! (This is damn good going because a lot of wine was schwallied too). He then got the head barman, Stefano to open up 8 Grand Prix sized champagne bottles and told everyone to party. Of course they did but not before Tam Ferry presented Renato with Scotland scarves and T-shirts for him and his staff. Tam also got a wee whipround for his troubles and a huge cheer of thanks from all the teary eyed Tartan Army.
Everyone was going for it big time and Big Stuff, The Captain, Litchfield, Bella Stella were all well gone. The Therminator was having a gas. Then Big Stuff, who threatened all week to go for a swim, declared he was going for a swim (with his clothes on). Could anyone stop him? Could they nick! Big Splash – in the swimming pool.
Next the Captain, who had praised everyone for their good behaviour, whipped off his jeans and shouted Geronimo too.
At midnight The EASTA lads proclaimed the cardboard Archie MacPherson had served them well but the time had come to meet his maker. The whole bar took a vote on it and Archie lost. They tried to burn him but only managed to burn his face off to reveal Darth Vader. “I always knew he was 2 faced” - cried Lock up John. The burning didn’t work and then they decided witches should drown so he is now floating down the Adriatic somewhere.
Nicky Scissorhands then shaved heads for Children in need and she raised close to £200 including earlier face-painting. Even Marshall Mallow was drunk enough to shed his beloved locks.
They left for home the next day. The travelling was largely uneventful until they met Sheila the air-hostess. She was on the TSTA’s Go flight home and had previously looked after the TSTA coming home from Wembley as well. She was well chuffed to see everyone all again particularly as she told them she gets a commission on the bar sales.
Sheila, see you in Belgium next year!