An interview with Action Man

Welcome to the world-wide web Action Man so where does it come from?
PCs

Your nickname you twat?
Well if you ask my burd, Mongy Mong, she’ll tell you that its because I’m hot action between the sheets.

That’s not exactly the way she put it now was it? She said that the only thing you had hot in bed was your cocoa. Real reason son?
OK I’m rumbled. You see it is simply because I’m inchingly challenged (height-wise only I may add) and I can fit into Action Man’s clobber. I’ll tell you it isnae much fun in Secondary School when yer Maw sends you to Gym in full military scuba diving gear. Mind you it does explain my liking for rubber now with Mongy Mong but that’s a secret as I don’t want this getting out and rubbing her up the wrong way do I?

Ehm Action Man put that away. Any advantages of being a short arsed little git then?
Not that many but I have played the part of a stunt double (Twinkletoes reckons that’s rhyming slang) in Tom Thumb before. I just missed out on the part of Mini Me in Austin Powers mainly because I didn’t have Credit Card’s hairstyle!

What’s your TSTA claim to fame then?
That’s an easy one I am the inventor of the phenomenon known as “TSTA Technicolor teeth”. We had just boarded the bus for Paris and as I waved byesie byes to my nanny, I was given a packet of Smarties for my play-piece. As soon as I hit the back of the bus it was off with the coloured lid of the Smarties with my thumb nail. As usual it took a fourth attempt to prise them babies open! I remember the lid’s letter was a “P” for Plonker (aka The Boy Wonder). The lid was sent spinning into Gnasher’s chip poke. He still doesnae believe me when I told him later that I pee-ed in his chips. Anyway, the Smarties were horsed in my gub in the one go and it was then munchity-crunchity followed by a huge gulpity-gulpity of a can of lager, which was served at what is best described as “sat-on in the pub for an hour” temperature.
There followed a 2 second period of calm all around as the rest of the TSTA looked on in horror as my coupon turned the same shade of forest green as the discarded Smartie top.

Then What?
Ever seen Alien mate? So have I. You know the vicious basket of a thing that looks like The Chieftain when someone steals his carry-out? Well it was nothing like that!
I’ll try and paint a vivid picture for you. First you have to imagine the inside of my mouth, all that Technicolor mixture of Smarties, Tennants and copius amount of gob. Next imagine a cement mixer on speed in there at the same time and voila! The tepid paint pallet of liquid was catapulted at the speed of light through my tightly closed gub (and arse for that matter). It was a brand new bus and we were not even outside Mid Calder. Ach these things happen!

What’s your ambition then Wee Man?
To get another pint in before shutting time now geez a dooky up tae the bar would ye. Cheers.

By Stevie "CreditCard" Morris
© copyright stevie morris 2002