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Vice Captain and his vices – An interview with

Davy Baird

So Vice Captain you’re not The Captain?

Correct. He is a big girl’s blouse! He is our top rank, or perhaps that’s just cockney rhyming slang. My brother, the ugly Baird, is often described as the Captain of our ship – and the ship’s a tanker and Bairdy is a………very large oil carrying boat I believe. Anyway, being in charge of vice is much more exciting. I once let all the TSTA stay up till one o’ clock in the morning. Please don’t tell their Mums.

What do you think of Berti?

I think he should have stayed with liquorice allsorts.

Why didn’t you go to the Faroes?

I heard The Boy Wonder was thinking of going. It turned out Robin was just blootered again and I misheard someone saying “He’s away with the fairies”. Come to think of it Weir and Dailly certainly played like a couple of them didn’t they?

“Flower of Scotland” what a song eh?

Listen I hate that song! It’s got no melody and it is as passionate as a slobbery kiss from Nora Batty, when she’s wearing wings.

So what should be our national anthem be then?

Easy! The Chieftain does a fine rendition of “Drink Around the Clock” which has much more spirit(s). It just oozes what being a Scot is all about.

What’s your favourite game?

Ach probably the one where there are 3 naked burdz and they are all in sussies,…..oh right the fitba? Probably the 1-0 humping we gave Englandshire at Wembley in 1999. The last of the millennium, the last at Wembley and the last one out of the pub was me!

You are a life saver I believe?

True. In Belgium I found an off licence that sold vodka for Big Stuff! There was another wee incident in Belgium that led to wee Raymie getting christened Humpty Dumpty. I had to give him the kiss of life after he fell and I swear he tried for tongues!

Looking forward to the next game?

Well wee Berti said friendlies should be played against quality opposition so the Mounties should give us ample opportunity to score. Did you realise ample was an anagram of maple and that’s in their flag. Spooky!

You’v e got a beaver sporran too?

Yes that’s right in fact he’s the twin brother of Credit Card’s Hamish McBeaver. He is called Heaver McBeaver. He had a wee bit too much whisky one night and puked up. Removing diced carrots from a beaver was new to me but if there is anyone out there with a fetish for Smedley’s then hey I’m yer man.