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Interview with a sporran – A beaver’s tail

Where were you born?

Believe it or not I’m a foreigner. I was born in Venice, Italy and I am one of 7 brothers.

Was it always your ambition to be a sporran?

What do you think dipstick? A life of sniffing other beavers, or swinging on the front of Credit Card’s kilt. No contest!

How did you become a sporran?

My brothers and I were hanging around on a stall near The Rialto Bridge when along comes Credit Card and Vice Captain. We were meant to be wee kiddies schoolbags but they had other ideas.
A few lira changed hands and then we were stuffed in a dark bag. Later that evening we were given some whisky, got a bit worse for wear and each signed a 10-year contract to become sporrans in The Tap Shop Tartan Army.

Do you have a name?

Are logs in a dam, son? Yes we all had cool Italian names but we had to change our names by telegraph poll, or something. My name is now Hamish McBeaver.

Who do your brothers work for?

Vice Captain, Captain, Big Stuff, Dress Sense, Lock up John and Litchfield. Big Stuff takes special care of my brother Spazzo who has dislocated arms and legs. When Big Stuff is blootered it is the other way round.

What was your first game?

It was Croatia in the Maksimir Stadium in Zagreb. Some Croation polisman rammed his hand down my throat and confiscated CC’s tic-tacs because they were “dangerous”. This was the game where their fans were firing great big rockets!

What about your most embarrassing moment?

Easy, when my feet rose at a 45-degree angle when Credit Card and Vice Captain met the Scotland ladies team after their win in Wales. I have to say I had a tilt in ma kilt too when I met them and now you know why us beavers all have buck teeth!

What do you pack away?

Credit Card’s wallet, his trusty Credit card, his camera and carefully folded programme usually. I have a knack of throwing up his wallet to him as soon as he orders the beers.

Where do you wish Scotland would play in a friendly?

Got to be Holland in AmsterDAM of course! I’ve heard they have a wee district there where there are plenty of beavers on show. Or maybe a game against the USA at The Hoover Dam would be OK, or perhaps that idea sucks!

What’s your idea of heaven?

A few pints in the Tap Shop with my brothers and then a 5-0 win against THEM either at Hampden or Wembley, I don’t mind.
Following that a few more pints in The Tap Shop and then onto Club Earth aka Beaver City to see if I can toss my caber with some eager hot bitch. OK then this part never happens we just get blitzed and fall down along with our masters.

- Hamish pulls on Tour -
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